My intake assessment is tomorrow. It’s so close, but so elusively far. I’m nervous and scared and hopeful, and scared of being hopeful.
I’m afraid they’ll tell me they can’t or won’t help me. I’m afraid they will help me. I need this. I know I need this. Yet it terrifies me.
I’ve been fighting the last few days to hang on. When I get this kind of build up of anticipation, my anxiety goes through the roof. I’ve done a lot of binging and purging and laxatives, but I’ve been trying not to cut, and I’ve been fighting the strong urge to overdose.
I just need an answer. One way or the other, I need to know what’s going to happen. I don’t do well when I don’t know. I don’t like not having things planned out. The unknown and uncertainty drive me nuts.
I’ve only slept 2 hours in the last few days. I’m sure that’s not helping any.
I got a call (finally!) from the eating disorder center. I’m still scheduled to start at the beginning of July. So, I was thinking to myself what to expect and what it’s going to be like and trying not to freak out about the concept of eating all day long without throwing anything up or taking any laxatives. I have this vision in my head of my whole body just filled to overflowing with decaying food. It’s not a pretty picture.
When I was doing the IOP there, I noticed that a lot of the PHP patients would knit during their free time. So! In anticipation of starting PHP in just over a week, I decided to take up knitting. Not because they do it, but because I know I’m going to need something to do to occupy my mind and time while I try to get used to food being, and staying, in my body, and knitting seems like a good thing for that.
I bought some knitting needles on Amazon, they should be here in a few days. Then, I shall set about teaching myself this thing called knitting. (I have a box full of yarn in my closet, which is part of why I decided to go with knitting.)