Tag Archives: addiction

What a long couple days

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Yesterday, I woke up with a migraine. I also awoke with high levels of anxiety. The two of them together meant I was NOT going to my appointment with the behavioral health guy. I called him up and explained and rescheduled for next week. He again urged me to go to the hospital.

I spent the rest of the day engaged in either lying in bed or binging and purging or exercising, or taking pills. I tried to sleep last night but couldn’t. Then, in the early morning hours, my brain started telling me I needed to get up and exercise and I needed to do it right now.

So, I got up and exercised for 3 hours. When I finally went back to bed, I was exhausted. “This is good,” I thought to myself, “maybe now I can sleep!”

Nope. I didn’t get any sleep last night.

Finally, this morning after my parents got up, I asked my dad to take me to the ER. He dropped me off on his way to work. I spent most of the day there, my migraine was being stubborn, and they wanted to give me lots of fluids.

I considered, after the getting up in the middle of the night to exercise this, asking to be admitted for a couple days just to give my body a break and maybe help break the cycle I’m in. However, since tomorrow is Father’s Day, I decided not to.

After I got home (around 5pm), I went immediately to bed. The 4 rounds of pain killers made me very tired, especially with not sleeping last night. I slept for a couple hours. I got up with every intention to write letters to my fellow bloggers, but was just too tired and out of it. (I promise, I’ll try to get them out in Monday’s mail.)

I’ve taken nearly a whole bottle (1,000 pills) of laxatives in the last too days. Needless to say, I’m not feeling the greatest despite the fluids and pain killers today. I do, however, feel waayyyyy better than this morning. I’m really hoping to sleep tonight. My plan now is to go workout, then sleep. I hope, hope, hope I can sleep.

Tomorrow, at some point, we’re having a family dinner. I think that’s all that’s planned because my dad works tomorrow. Though, I do have a feeling he will want to play a game of Risk if we can find the time.

Wish me luck with tomorrow. Have a good night. Hopefully I won’t see you again before tomorrow morning.

Early Morning Meh

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Today was bad. I’ll take to post details tomorrow. Right now, it’s 2:00am and I’m on my bike. I might be here all night.

“Why do you take laxatives?”

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I’ve been getting this question a lot lately. There are many risks associated with laxative abuse. Would you like to see the list? I’m going to share it with you anyway.

  • Intestinal injury
  • Melanosis coli
  • Gastric bleeding
  • Gastric ulceration
  • Gastritis
  • Esophagitis
  • Bloating
  • Abdominal pain, severe cramping
  • Vomiting
  • Gas
  • Chronic constipation
  • Chronic diarrhea
  • Bowel tumors
  • Irregular heartbeat
  • Kidney damage
  • Electrolyte imbalances
  • Aggravation of hemorrhoids
  • Colon failure
  • Dehydration
  • Pancreatitis
  • Tremors
  • Weakness
  • Nausea
  • Bowel incontince
  • Ulceration of the bowel
  • Fatty infiltration of the liver
  • Irritable bowel syndrome
  • Hypoalbuminemia, hypoproteinemia or calcium deficiency caused by malabsorption of nutrients, which can cause weakening and softening of the bones
  • Shutting down of the immune system
  • Organ damage
  • Bowel tumors
  • Palpitations
  • Heart attack
  • Death

Disturbance of electrolyte and mineral balances. Sodium, potassium, magnesium, and phosphorus are electrolytes and minerals that are present in very specific amounts necessary for proper functioning of the nerves and muscles, including those of the colon and heart. Upsetting this delicate balance can cause improper functioning of these vital organs.

Severe dehydration may cause tremors, weakness, blurry vision, fainting, kidney damage, and, in some cases, death. Dehydration often requires medical treatment.

Laxative dependency occurs when the colon stops reacting to usual doses of laxatives so that larger and larger amounts of laxatives may be needed to produce bowel movements.

Internal organ damage may result, including stretched or “lazy” colon, colon infection, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and liver damage. Chronic laxative abuse may contribute to risk of colon cancer.

 

Isn’t that lovely.

So why would anyone take this chance? Why would anyone subject themself to this? What on earth kind of motivation could there possibly be?

The exact reason is probably different for each person, but here are some of my reasons.

  • They help me get rid of the food. Regardless of whether they eliminate any calories, they eliminate the food waste that’s inside me. I want it out. They do that.
  • They help me feel empty and lighter. This feeling is addicting.
  • It makes me feel like I’m “doing something” about the “problem”. Sometimes, I just need to feeling like I’m actively doing something about whatever is bugging me (having eaten, being fat, etc) and taking some pills right then helps me. I feel calmer and empowered.
  • To reduce water weight. I understand that this causes dehydration, but I don’t want that water inside me. Don’t ask me why because I’m not really sure myself. I just “need” it not inside me.
  • They speed up digestion. Whether this actually causes any fewer calories to be absorbed or not seems to be up for debate, but if I don’t take them, it can take days or even a week or two before what I eat exits. That’s just way too long. I want it to pass through me as quickly as possible.
  • They make me feel clean. Knowing there aren’t feces inside my body makes me feel cleaner.

I feel like I had more reasons earlier when I was planning this, but they escape me now.

So, the next question, “Why do you continue to take laxatives even though you’re not eating anything?”

That is an excellent question, and I hadn’t actually considered why until I was asked. Partly for the water weight reason listed above and partly for the “doing something” reason. But also because when you’re addicted to something, it doesn’t really matter if there’s any logic to it. My brain just says, “take laxatives, now” and then I do. Like I said, I hadn’t even questioned it.

Please know that I am not in any way trying to justify my use of laxatives, just to explain some of the reasons why I take them.

Laxative abuse is dangerous and serious, and I wouldn’t want anyone else in the world to abuse them. Now if I could just convince myself it’s ok to stop taking them.

 

Still swollen, still sick

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So, my left hand is still swollen and incredibly sore. I don’t know if this is normal or concerning.

My arms are still very bruised also, but that’s pretty normal for me.

As I mentioned last night, I took WAYYYY too many laxatives and was up most of the night with severe pain and uncontrollable vomiting.

I stayed in bed until after noon, got up for a bit, ate a couple crackers, took a couple more laxative pills, and went back to bed.

I stayed in bed for the next 5-ish hours watching anime on Netflix on my tablet and wishing I could sleep.

This evening, I got up, binged and purged, and then collapsed on the sofa and watch some tv.

I’ve been taking laxatives throughout the day still, but limiting it to just 2 or 3 pills each time, so I’ve only had about 10 pills today. (That’s super low for me.)

Tomorrow I need to be feeling better because I need to get my new exercise bike set up so I can start using it. I will probably make myself do it regardless of how I’m feeling tomorrow. This is good incentive to try to not overdo it with the laxatives tonight. However, I’m not entirely certain how I’m going to assemble exercise equipment with this stupid, swollen hand. We’ll see.

I also need to do laundry in the morning, which means going to the laundromat. With the way I’ve been feeling, that does NOT excite me.

My plan for tonight it to not binge and purge anymore. I am not up to it, and it’s painful on my hand. Also, go to sleep before 2am. And sleep.

Up next, I have potentially exciting news, and potentially not exciting news.