Category Archives: Bulimia Recovery

If Only I Could Eat Like Lorelai and Stay as Thin

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“Women don’t eat, they just stare at it and then jump on the treadmill.”
-Lorelai Gilmore

I’m going to try a new plan: when I feel like binging and purging, I’m going to hop on my stationary bike instead until, hopefully, the urge passes. I don’t know if my plan will work, but I need to try something.

Success!

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I’m still really struggling with binging and purging, though I did manage to cut down on the number of binges and purges a little today. That also means I was able to cut down a little on the amount of laxatives I took, since I take them after each time I purge. What I’m happiest about, however, is that I somehow managed to get 100% on my test today. Despite all the binging and purging I’ve been doing instead of studying, I still managed to eke out enough studying between binges to do well on my test. I’m still behind in my other class, but I have a couple weeks before my first test to catch up. I’m just treading water here, but I’m surviving and that’s important.

The Waiting Game

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I had my intake assessment for the PHP/EIOP at the eating disorder center this morning. It went pretty much as expected, I’ve been through it before. The worst part is just now waiting. The intake coordinator I met with this morning meets with her team on Tuesday morning to go over new intakes, so she said I’ll hear from her Tuesday or Wednesday of next week with their recommendation as to which program. I don’t know when I’ll hear about whether insurance will approve a higher level of care.

I’m trying hard to work on my own to cut down on my binging and purging because of my diabetes diagnosis yesterday, but I’m not having a lot of luck so far. However, I’m going to keep trying. And hopefully I get into the partial hospitalization program or evening intensive outpatient program to help out.

Bulimics are 4 times more likely to develop diabetes

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According to a study, bulimics are 4 times more likely to get diabetes than the general public.

I didn’t know this until about an hour ago. I also didn’t know that bulimia can cause diabetes. However, an hour ago, my doctor called me. She knows about my history with bulimia and the severity with which I’m struggling right now. She told me my lab results came back, and I have diabetes. She also said it is likely a result of my 15 year struggle with bulimia. I was shocked. I am still kind of in shock.

I don’t know what it means for me yet. I have a doctor appointment scheduled to talk about it in more detail. However, I know this means I need to get my bulimia under control if possible.

Dying

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I took too many laxatives this morning and I am dying. Not literally, thankfully. Unfortunately?

My stomach is cramping like crazy, I’m nauseous and vomiting, and I’ve shat myself, which is completely unpleasant.  All I can do is lie here, close to the bathroom, and writhe in pain.  At least I’m not binging and purging…

Busy week upcoming

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I have an appointment every day this week. Two on Wednesday. Tomorrow I have an eye exam, Tuesday I meet with my psychiatrist, Wednesday I have my medical clearance for going back into eiop and I have my DBT group, Thursday I meet with my DBT therapist, Friday I have the intake assessment for eiop, and Saturday I have the orientation for volunteering at the children’s hospital to rock babies.

I’m not looking forward to it, when I have appointments every day, my fibromyalgia tends to act up more. Also, my eating disorder therapist wants me in php (partial hospitalization) instead of eiop (evening intensive outpatient), but I’m not even sure my insurance will approve another round of eiop, let alone php. They wouldn’t approve php earlier this year when it was recommended then, so I’m not holding my breath on being sent to php. Besides, I have no idea how I would get my schoolwork done if I’m in php, since it’s an all day program. And I wouldn’t be able to volunteer at the children’s hospital rocking babies. And I would have to quit my DBT program. So overall, eiop would be “better” for me. (I don’t know that it would be better at interrupting behaviors, but it would interrupt my life less.)

Getting back on track, but terrified

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All I do right now is binge and purge. I can’t even do my schoolwork because I’m too busy binging and purging. I can’t get myself to stop the cycle. So, it looks like I’ll be going back into the evening intensive outpatient program. Assuming, of course, my insurance will cover another round of EIOP this year. I have an appointment to get medical clearance next week and also an intake assessment. I’m going to do it, because I know I need the help right now. However, I’m scared to go back into the program. Scared of eating without purging, scared of putting in the work, scared of facing my feelings.

Not the news I was hoping for

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I met with my psychiatrist this morning. Due to the fact that I’ve been binging and purging non-stop the last week and few days, and the extreme emotional distress I’m in, he wants me to go back to the evening intensive outpatient program. I really don’t want to go back into the eiop, but I recognize it may be necessary for me right now.

The best news, the best timing

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I just got wonderful news! If you’ve been around a while, you may remember that a few months back I applied to volunteer at the local children’s hospital. Today I was notified they need people to go and rock their “medically fragile” babies! I have an interview on Monday to be a volunteer. I’m so excited! This is exactly what I needed. This is the perfect timing. I have something bright to look forward to. I feel happy for the first time in a week. I hope, so hope, that they let me volunteer holding the babies.

Vacation

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I met with my new eating disorder therapist yesterday. We went a half hour over our time, and I really like her so far.

Thursday morning I leave for California for two weeks with the fiance and I’m very excited, but also nervous. I know I’ll have to eat consistently, and won’t be able to purge like I’ve grown accustomed to again. I know these are technically good things, but the eating disorder part of my brain is screaming that it’s not going to be ok.