About Me

I’ve had this blog for a couple months now and haven’t added an about page yet. This wasn’t an oversight, I just didn’t know what I wanted to put here. However, I realized today, while surfing other people’s blogs, that I like to read the about pages for other bloggers, so I should provide them the same courtesy.

I’m a single, 31 year old woman living in the United States. I have had an eating disorder for over 23 years. I have run the gamut of eating disorders from anorexia to binge eating disorder and everywhere in between, and currently am battling (or lying in bed with) bulimia.

I recently finished 4 months of treatment at a local eating disorder clinic starting in the hospital, then partial hospitalization, and finally intensive outpatient, but my insurance cut out last week. Despite the 4 months of treatment, I’m not doing well and am kind of in recovery limbo. I like the idea of recovery and being recovered, but I’m not actively working toward it. Part of me wants recovery and part of me doesn’t, and they war constantly.

I have chronic migraine, fibromyalgia, IBS, hypothyroidism, osteoarthritis, depression, struggle with self-harm and suicidal ideation, body dysmorphic disorder, anxiety, bipolar 2, and was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. (Wow, that’s the first time I’ve ever written that all out in one place.) I also have a variety of symptoms that haven’t been figured out yet.

I blog here to help my sanity, and I blog honestly and often with raw emotion. This is one of the few places I feel comfortable being myself and being honest. Writing here helps me figure things out, release negative emotions, and get out some of the secrets that keep me bound within myself.

I write about whatever I feel like in the moment, but the overarching theme is definitely mental illness and my struggles with bulimia.

176 responses »

  2. Just remember you are not alone, so many people suffering, the best way to assist in your healing process is to share. The support, friendship and understanding you will find is so healing, and feeling safe to express your raw emotions, being vulnerable is a huge step out of ones comfort zone, it takes strength and courage to do what you are doing.

    No judgement, just unconditional love of self has such a huge impact on ones recovery.

    Blessings Beautiful and thank you so much for sharing, like you I also like to read “the about me” page of peoples blogs as well, lets stay in touch, keep the momentum going, look forward to reading more of your pages/posts.

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  3. I know that war between wanting recovery and not wanting to let go of old behaviours all too well. I want to be free so badly, yet something inside me still resists the thought of never bingeing again. It’s scary to think of life without it. Thanks for sharing honestly here, and for reading my blog as well. I look forward to reading more about your journey.

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  4. Hey, you are not alone. I’ve had an ED for most of my life too. I’m 34 this year. I’m not going to go too much into my very long story. I have been a BMI of 21/22 for 4 years now. Congratulations on leaving the pro ana groups. They are very ill people and even though I can see that it is easy to get sucked into that world. You are not ugly -your Eating Disorder is. I do a lot of volunteering with mental health charities theses days. The ED never truly goes away but with hard work that voice can become less powerful. I’m doing a course called WRAP at the moment. I’m in week three on Wed. Have a look at it. It might be something you that you might want to try out for yourself. Keep writing. Doing the things that keep you well.. The first link tells you a bit about WRAP https://daisywillows.wordpress.com/wrap/ and the second is link has me on camera -my worst nightmare talking about WRAP and how to put one together. Don’t worry everything I share is free and all I want to do is keep well and help others if that is possible. https://daisywillows.wordpress.com/2015/10/02/wellness-toolbox-ideas/ keep fighting. I’m following your blog now. I will hopefully be a positive voice for the days that are tough 🙂

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    • Hey! Just wanted to say keep writing, and keep moving forward. I too have been in the place of not wanting to give up the eating disorder, finding safety in it, and not having it felt scary. What’s on the other side!!!? I’m on the other side now though, and as I read Daisy’s comment about the Eating Disorder never going away but the the voice becomes less powerful. I realized this… I’m 8 years recovered from bulimia. The eating disorder is definitely gone, as is the reliance on exercise to maintain body weight. What is still there is the voices that got me there in the first place: of shame, fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability and therefore trying to control. I battle with that every day still. Now it comes up with money, business, relationships, etc. The difference is not turning to food or trying to control my body in response, but instead, finding healthy ways to accept those feelings and respond to them. I hope this offers hope, because the way I see it, That there is nothing inherently ‘wrong’ with those of us with an eating disorder. Yes it’s f*d up, but at the core, every single person on the planet deals with shame, fear, control, etc. We just all respond differently. With an ED, we just haven’t found a way to deal with our human nature. Check out Brene Brown’s work, that has helped me a lot in recent years understand why the feelings are still there. And if anyone reading this can relate and wants some help either responding to the voices and/or an eating disorder, get in touch. kendratanner121@gmail.com. Love to you all.

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  5. Crikey. Keep strong! You can do this. I’m 31 too, and have suffered from OCD for about the same length of time as you have with eating disorders. I have problems with my joints too. Just keep going! You are not alone, and you are loved. Kisses from the UK x

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  7. You’re awesome! Being thorough and honest with yourself makes you stronger and more prepared to being an overcomer than you may think. You have the foundation layed, now just continue to build your life from the inside out, what moment and one step at a time. I believe in you and I know you have the God given ability to do it! So very proud of you!

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  13. You honesty is so helpful in so many ways. This blogging world is so very supportive and I am very glad you are also part of it. You are managing and that is what matters. Take it day by day.
    Thank you for liking my post. ❤ I wish you strength & continued wisdom. Your self-awareness will continue growing and that is what counts!

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  16. I admire your honesty. I know from personal experience how difficult it is to be open about mental health. Keep doing what you’re doing and stay strong! Wishing you well from across the pond in England!

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  21. That was a very comprehensive bio. I’m not sure what drew you to a post on my blog (because I’m all over the place!), but I’m glad something did. I have had long-term problems with eating disorders and am trying to make recovery part of my daily routine at the moment; it pops up tangentially in posts because of that. I’m not brave enough to speak about it frankly, and I’m too used to hiding. I wish you more than luck, as someone once said.

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  22. Hi, “I am Janis and I am an alcoholic.” Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts. I understand your difficulties may not be with alcohol but I can identify with your feeling of powerlessness. I find blogging – and for some reason writing in my journal doesn’t make me feel as accountable as blogging. Getting it out and reading it over helps. I think of you and will hold you in my prayers.

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  23. Thank you for liking my blog post, “You Are Amazing!!” You are amazing! I wrote a book on my own recovery of mental illness to inspire others to heal, too. It is titled Dear Sophia, Love Yourself! it is available on amazon here: amazon.com/author/sophiasimo. Tomorrow and for fives it will be available for free download. You are on an amazing journey to healing. Never give up! Writing definitely helps.

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  27. Hey,

    I think its really brave of you to share your story with the whole world via blog. I have mental health problems too, and I can’t say that I know what you’re going through, because I don’t. But I know battling your demons is hard. Sometimes you feel like you aren’t doing anything to “get better”, but honestly, if you are still breathing, you are still battling. Some days are easier than others. You are an inspiration 🙂

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  28. I, too, ran the gamut of the ed spectrum. It is one tough demon to beat. But you will. Just like so many others who have. Just keep writing. Whatever comes to mind. If you feel vulnerable at times about what you are sharing get a second opinion from a friend or your therapist. But share what is on your mind. You will be amazed at the support you will receive. I can certainly understand the health issues you are facing. Been there, done that, still do. However, think about how much better you will feel when you finally break down that ed wall! I wish you well and will pray for you.

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  31. Thank you for enjoying my comments. And it’s true, blogging does help many of us with problems. We’re always worrying about being too thin or heavy. But it’s something that can be managed with the right care. May God Bless.

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  32. Thanks for the Like on my blog. After reading what you are going through, it puts my life into an entirely different perspective. And you can beat back these demons. From what I am told, you never completely win the eating disorder war; you only get better and better at waging the battles.

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  33. Hi and thanks for visiting my blog. I can relate to some of what’s going on with you regarding eating issues and some of the physical woes. Food has always been my drug of choice. I have arthritis in my joints, have lived with depression, used to have IBS, used to have GERD and type 2 diabetes and have been struggling to lose weight all of my adult life. And recently, I’ve done some major healing around my food addiction. I am holding your hand in support. I write about my journey, that includes discovering energy medicine and energy healing about 5 years ago, and the healing and progress, and set backs that is my life. I invite you to check out my posts about holistic healing and hypnosis.

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  34. Hi .love it and totally agree be yourself.say it as it is .plus better to get the emotions out than bottling it all up and exploding.
    Thank you for visiting my rambles.poems and look forward to reading more from you ..take care stay strong…. xxx

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  36. Hey you. Wow, what a warrior you are. That is one big list you have to deal with. Having battled bulimia I get that its probably the biggest battle. Writing helped me a lot and eventually the right therapist who taught me how to be kind to myself, for some reason this was really hard to do. I agree with Kendra – Brene Brown’s got a lot of great stuff when you’re ready. And sometimes you know what? It’s good to laugh too – at ourselves and the craziness of bulimia. I found a TV series this week online, The Skinny, about a bulimic Jessie Kahlnweiler. It made me laugh as you can tell its made by someone who knows….
    Have a look if you feel like it: http://www.refinery29.com/the-skinny-tv
    Keep on trusting you’ll get there.
    Peace.
    Angela
    http://www.fuckingawesomebulimicsiknow.com

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  38. well done for being so open and honests… i still have ‘guilty secrets’ and struggles I’m not ready to release into the open… I read yours and other peoples blogs and i know that once you are open to others people are generally open and accepting. Helpful and compassionate…. but you have to be that your your own demons first… you have taken that leap… be proud, stay stong and this blogging community , i’m sure will be there for you through good and bad xxx Thank you for writing x

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  39. You are extremely brave in sharing your story. Don’t ever give up and don’t ever believe that there is something ‘wrong’ with you. We are all human and have our struggles. The beautiful thing is that we really do have a chance to break free. None of us has all the answers but maybe we can all learn from each other.

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  41. Thank you for liking my post in Soul Seed Collective. I would love to continue the dialogue if you’re interested. I feel that bringing out the personal “secret” of bulimia is one of the healthiest things to do because it tells your shame voices it that it is NOT a shameful thing. It is a coping mechanism for deep pain. The journey to self-love and healing continues even after not being actively bulimic for 30 years. It does, as Kendra put it, come out in other ways and the only answer I have found so far is to keep coming back to SELF LOVE. This includes loving myself for NOT loving myself!! I have accepted, at age 48, that I will probably always be this intensely feeling, prone to darkness, sensitive, emotional over-thinker who doesn’t feel like I fit in the world in the “normal” way. And it is starting to feel kind of cool. And people like us have a gift to give to the world of great compassion. Wish I could give you a hug!

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  44. I commend your ability to expose yourself on such a raw and honest level. You are capable of expressing REAL emotions. How proud you should be! I’m 28 and it took me over a decade to “come out” with my eating disorder. – but embracing it as something that is real and is happening is like a shortcut to recovery. If you express REAL emotions, you may then face, head on REAL TRUTHS. Real out anytime if you need someone to talk to. You are a #badass #tfos http://www.theFrozenOrangeSociety.com

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