Above is a screenshot from the website for the treatment center where I’m receiving treatment. I’m currently in their partial hospitalization program, which is 10 hours a day, 7 days a week, but tomorrow I transition to intensive outpatient. I’m both nervous and excited about this. I feel like the real work of recovery happens in iop where I’m not being babysat by staff all day long and I actually have to do meals on my own. However, I just had a really rough pass and I’m still in a weird head space and I’m just nervous that I’m going to get into iop and completely relapse.
I was on a walk yesterday and I had the realization that I have been in treatment 5 times in the last 4 years. That was the first time I think I realized I really have a problem. A problem I don’t know how to fix. A problem bigger than myself. But I also believe that with the right help and hard work and diligence I can get better. I think I have the right help. I am trying to put in the hard work. Here’s hoping recovery is actually possible.
a2eternity 
I’m sure it is possible for you.
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In my experience, the very idea of recovery is really frightening, which is something other people don’t realise and certainly wouldn’t understand. I found it hard to understand it myself, but the idea of being ‘well’ felt like the idea of ‘being out of control’ and completely lost – if I didn’t have my illness, what DID I have? -, and even though I was ashamed of that (and never admitted it to anyone else) it made getting ‘well’ really, really difficult.
I can only say to you that being ‘well’ is not the way you fear it will be. The illness itself is whispering lies in your ear every day to keep you trapped, but the terrible conflict is that you can’t KNOW that until you ARE well.
But I promise you from long, long experience that being ‘well’ is wonderful. You can have fun again. Remember fun? You can go places and do things you’ve forgotten existed. And above all, you can be at peace with yourself which is beyond diamonds.
So please, please take it on faith for the moment, that I (who understand deeply from experience and have nothing to gain by lying to you) am the one telling the truth, and not that treacherous voice in your head. Recovery IS possible, but you have to want it, and wanting it is the hardest part. Don’t be ashamed of that. It’s normal, even though those who’ve never suffered will never understand (and you don’t have to tell them).
you’ll find me at hm.swr@optusnet.com.au if I can help.
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