Dec10

Too little energy to care

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I’ve reached the point of restriction where I become very calm. I don’t think it’s because my demons have gone away, rather I think it’s because I have too little energy to be anything other than calm, flat, emotionless, zen. I have hardly moved today. I sat on my sofa and took a final exam, then I sat on my sofa and watched Christmas movies. I haven’t even used the bathroom today because I’m severely dehydrated. I don’t think I’ve left my couch since I got up this morning. I just don’t have the energy. I frankly, I just don’t care. I don’t anticipate moving until I go to bed. I look forward to sleeping. It seems so welcoming. When I’m eating well, I hate sleeping because I have too much I want to do, too much to get done to sleep. Now, I just have Christmas movies and sleep because I have no energy for anything else. I’m ok with this. Like I said, I have reached my zen.

I was looking at my Christmas tree earlier. It has candy canes on it. I wanted to taste a candy cane. Not eat it, just taste it. But I didn’t have the energy to cross the room to get one, and I’m too afraid the sugar will digest in my mouth and I’ll consume calories by licking it. I like being completely calorie-less. Maybe I won’t go back to treatment. They want me to eat there. I don’t want to ever eat again.

22 responses »

  2. Have you found the reason why you are doing this to yourself? In our family, there is a teen girl with anorexia. Through therapy, she realized it is because of her mother, who is pretty nuts. She is doing well in recovery. She had to move out of her Mom’s house and live with her father. She was hospitalized once. She has barely seen her mom this year and is improving.

    I understand mental pain. I was molested, kicked and burned by my father. I’ve been depressed most of my life. It is therapy and God who helped me want to live. When you say to yourself, “I don’t want to eat,” that is a lie. Say out loud, “I’m hungry, and I want to eat. I can eat with God’s strength. He will help me heal.”

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      • The answer to this is vital. You need to resolve this in your mind if possible. A good therapist may help you. Think about how you feel when you are around certain people or places. That should give you a clue. I had no idea I was afraid of men until my first therapist asked me to watch what I felt like every time I saw a man. I realized I was afraid of men. I would cross the street to avoid walking near one.

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  3. i have been where you are right now. Sadly, I can’t tell you what to do, if your problems stem from lack of control of your own life, then YOU have to decide. Decide one thing today, be in control of that one thing. you can do it xxx

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  4. you can get high when you fast – you feel good – but in your case who is in the driving seat – you or Ana ?
    I get the impression you are sick of the treatment centre – they are not addressing the underlying issue and are just making you eat – you are rejecting that

    also I sense a spiritual longing in you – which is good – but if Ana is controlling this spiritual adventure it will be limited and dark ?

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  5. I can’t tell you what to do, I can relate to the calmnesss when I have fought so long -that peace can seem like all my answers have been heard.
    I will not pretend I am not concerned about how I feel you are in a dangerous place. I am fearful that this sense of calm may be luring you into a false sense of security. I know you may not want to die but to not move or even be able to do anything is a sign that all is not well with the body. I am not preching, I have my demons. I just hope you can get past this before it’s too late 🙂 Take care.

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  6. I can relate to the flat, emotionless apathy that you seem to have been going through. When I am in that state I don’t feel the need for food. I don’t claim to have an eating disorder, but I have disordered eating. It stems from my past, whenever I did something “bad”, my mother would withhold food as punishment, sometimes all day. As an adult, I still treat myself the same way. Whenever I do something “bad” I don’t deserve to eat.

    I know treatment is scary, and no one can force you to do it (well maybe, I was persuaded into treatment because I was suicidal). But it’s ultimately your choice. I just want you to feel better.

    Lots of love and light.

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  7. Hmm, never thought of it as a state of zen. I called it numb, or maybe apathetic. I simply didn’t care anymore. I was empty in every way possible. Sadly, having a chronic eating disorder, I found it harder and harder to reach that state. I’m glad though. It kind of scares me now because it’s the next step, for me, to not caring whether I lived or died. It’s not that I wanted to die, I never really wanted to, but it was that I simply didn’t care anymore. It was a sort of peace, a place away from feelings, stress, people, life. But then, all those things come crashing back. That’s inevitable and I’m less willing to experience that huge crash.

    At this point I’m far better at dealing with feelings, stress, people and life. I’m not perfect but having to face them and deal with them regularly has lessened that huge impact. I’m able to reboot faster, so to speak. I still hate feeling, I still fail at handling stress, but I’m better. I hope you managed to go back to treatment. For a long time I had to have faith in the treatment teams faith in me because I had none of my own. It did get better. It was a process and a journey but despite my lack of faith, I got better.

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  9. I have been where you are. It is a calming place, a safe place to be in. Or at least it feels that way. I used to try everythiing in my power to get to that state of zen..But now through my recovery journey (though I still slip up many times) I realize how scary and unsafe that zen place is. Especially in times when I don’t want to die. But I don’t care. Because I don’t care, I don’t put effort into helping myself, which could inevitably kill me. Please, I know how soothing that place of zen can feel, how tempting it can be to curl up and hide there forever..But usually the body is very sick when it reaches that point zen…Even if you can’t eat, at least have a doctor or someone check you out just to make sure you’re okay…Lots of hugs and Love and hoping things get better for you. We’re all here for you

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