Distraught

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The last few days I’ve been distraught. Inconsolable. I am struggling so hard just to keep from cutting. I’ve been just crying and binging and purging and playing video games and watching the Olympics I missed while I was in California. I don’t see my psychiatrist or therapist until next week. I’m struggling just to get through the days. I keep feeling like I made the wrong decision. Today, I took a nap and I received a text message. It woke me up and at first I thought it was him. My heart leapt with joy, only to crash a moment later when I saw it wasn’t him. He hasn’t tried to reach out to me at all since I left and I feel like it means there must be something wrong with me. Or what if I really hurt him by leaving? Or both.

At random moments throughout the day things will remind me of it, and it hurts so much. My facebook feed is still filled with ads congratulating me on my engagement and offering me money of tuxes or photography packages. It feels weird not to have his ring on my finger, and the noticeable absence makes me cry. I just want it all to end. I want to sleep and not wake up. I wish school would start already so I had something productive to focus on.

17 responses »

  1. I’m so sorry to hear your struggling it really does hurt my heart but just remember you deserve someone who will love you not hurt you emotionally or physically. I suggest deleting FB for awhile or creating a new profile and deleting the old one, think of it as starting fresh! I am so proud of your courage to walk away from something and someone who was so selfish and unworthy of your love. Keep pushing, distract yourself with things you love and enjoy and surround yourself with positive people!! Most importantly be kind to yourself ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry for your struggles with this…You definitely deserve someone who loves you unconditionally, without abuse and will cherish you every single day! I agree about FB; I deleted my account years ago. Sometimes the reminders are as painful as what happened. Take care of YOU! Can you reach out to your therapist?? You’re in my prayers.

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  3. Can you call the therapist/psychiatrist office and see if they have a cancellation?
    I can assure you with absolute certainty that there is something very wrong with this man, not with you. His boundary issues are proof that he is disturbed, and you can spend eternity trying to puzzle out his intentions without any result, because you are not like him. It takes an abuser to know an abuser. Don´t run yourself in circles trying to pin down crazy. Abuse is abuse, lack of respect and boundaries is what it is. You are not like that, it makes no sense to you, it never will. Be glad you don´t get it. You don´t want to!
    You worry about you. You need to get your basics down, go back to taking care of yourself the way you would take care of any friend in such a situation. Food, vitamins, water, sleep, and a benign distraction like the Olympics.
    You are a nice girl. Be good to yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so glad you are going to a therapist. Maybe there is a place you can phone for help before your appointment. If you are suicidal, please call a hot-line for that. You are worth so much to God and your life could be such a blessing to others. Think for a minute of all the good you can do with your life. Go out and help someone now. Give a homeless person some money or food. Write someone a loving letter. Write down all the good things in the world and how you want to enjoy them. Make a bucket list. Imagine the future as a good one, where you will be well and happy. I believe it can happen for you. God will help you if you ask him.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Look at that finger and give thanks for your lucky escape from what would have become a lifetime of abuse!There is nothing wrong with you. You proved that by leaving. There is a lot wrong with him. Abuse is not normal behaviour. I know you won’t see it yet, but being alone gives you unlimited opportunities to find yourself and be that person – opportunities you could never have with someone who hits you for reasons of his own.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. A2, if he abused you, you are not the one who has something wrong inside. He has issues that you can’t help him with. Heal yourself. Understand that you have worth! Don’t let anyone else tell you differently! Look at the love you are getting here from friends. We all think you’re worth the time to support and pray for you. Call in to the office. Maybe they’ll have a cancellation. Maybe they’ll make time. And don’t forget the love and concern we have for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You got to think about where you want to be in 5 years time. Do you want to be purging again, hating your body, married to some arsehole who has started beating your kids now and telling you it’s your fault, or do you want to be out there in the world, lighting it up like a firework?
    Abusers like to control people through fear and a manipulation. He hasn’t been able to do that with you. Be proud of that when the doubt rages. It gets easier, I promise. Do what you can to survive this first few days, find music, find the song that pulls you back. I love, final last words by my chemical romance, I’ve played that song so many times on the edge of the abyss, it always renews my resolve.
    Facebook is a bastard for reminders, but you can run from it or take it back. Light it up. Let the world see how awesome you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am so, so sorry to hear about all of this. You definitely made the right decision, and I am happy to see that you are strong enough to walk away from a situation that would have ended up being dangerous. Take care of yourself, be good to yourself, and be proud. What you did is very brave.

    Liked by 1 person

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