Forever is so short

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Facebook reminded me yesterday that it was the one year anniversary of us being “facebook official”. Yesterday was the day I left. My heart broke again when I saw the reminder and I burst into tears, sitting at the stop waiting for the shuttle to take me to the airport.

This last week I was in California with my fiance. A few days ago, he started hitting me. At first, I tried to shake it off. But by Thursday afternoon I couldn’t anymore, and I bought the first available ticket home for Friday. Yesterday morning, I left before he woke up, sneaking out, afraid to tell him I was leaving. I left my ring on the dresser.

Sometime on my trip home, he figured out I wasn’t coming back because he blocked me from Facebook. Total travel time, between the uber, the shuttle, my delated flight, and driving home, was over 14 hours. It was a long day filled with many tears. I am heartbroken. Even though I know I made the right choice, I still love him. It still hurts to have the broken promise of a future with him. I went from having my whole future planned out to having nothing. I’m lost, alone, and wounded. I feel foolish. I feel used. I feel like I’ve done something wrong by leaving him. I’m so confused right now.

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19 responses »

  1. I’m proud of you too. What you did was strong and right, not foolish. Foolish would be to stay and accept a lifetime of abuse. I’m so sorry you have to go through the pain, but one day (hopefully soon) you’ll see what a huge step you’ve taken for your self respect and be as proud of yourself as we are of you. And don’t believe him if he says it will never happen again. It will. It always does. So please don’t go back. The courage it took to leave is a whole new beginning.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I’m sorry you are huting. I’ve been married twice and dated a bit. What he did to you, he will always do. He won’t change. Get to know you self and get well before finding another man. Learn to like you sell first.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry. I had to do that, too, and in the same state, though you got out much earlier than I did-which is a VERY GOOD THING. I am so glad you are safe. If you can see a DV advocate in your area, please do so. If you can attend any support meetings with other survivors- go. Because it means so much to see other women who have been in the same situation. It is priceless, truly. If you need to talk to someone, call 1800 799 7233- which is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. I have never had a bad conversation with them. They are the nicest people, will talk day or night at any time, and have great referrals. This is not your fault. This is not about you. You probably know that, but I want to make sure you hear it. Going No Contact is the best thing you can do at this point. It keeps you safe and sane. Trust yourself. You showed some real strength, I am so so proud you could do that. Be proud of you, too. Hugs, and if I could make you a cup of tea, I would. I wish I could.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am sorry too. How awful for you to suffer this. I know what you mean about you making the choice but still feeling rejected and heartbroken. One day at a time xxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m still new to your blog, I wasn’t sure if this was a beautifully written piece of prose or something awful that had just happened to you. Now I see from the comments that it’s actually playing out in your life.
    All I can say is that it takes so much more courage to leave than it does to stay, and that tells me a lot about you mate.
    Life doesn’t break us, it defines who we are.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You were right to leave and you know too. Although it will hurt for some time, allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. No one should be abused. Take one day at a time, keep going forward and certainly do not go back. You deserve better. You will find your own path and discover yourself again. X

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am so sorry to hear what he has done to you. I have been reading your blog for a long time now and know that you are a good person who definitely deserves better than some mongrel who talks with their fist. I am so very proud of you for leaving before saying your vows. I did the very same thing almost 20 years ago, leaving a fist-happy pig who swore he loved me and would never hit me again. I was stupid enough to believe his lies for six years. You are smarter than I am by a long shot. The pain will heal – give yourself time xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Honey, I know you’re hurting right now but you are so strong and smart. I have no doubt you would have made the right decision. I am so proud of you! I wish I could give you a hug. I wish you could stay with me and we’d eat healthy and watch Netflix 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I can understand your decision has been difficult to take but I firmly believe it was absolutely right. Abusive people can be very kind at times, but once the violence has been committed something is definitely broken. And it is known that when they do it, even if they apologize with tears and flowers, they will do it again. I hope you heal as quickly as possible from your heartbreak. You deserve someone respectful. And if it takes time finding the loveable respectful man, be patient and I’m sure you will find him. All my best vibes your way ~~

    Liked by 1 person

  10. That super stinks, but from your previous posts maybe your subconscious was trying to tell you something since you were falling back into old eating patterns. The anxiety, something was wrong, maybe a few red flags? Hugs, like the woman above said, you need to love yourself completely, accept yourself completely before a relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Don’t be confused because he should t have hurt you ever no matter what!!! You did the right thing by leaving as hard as it is!!! Remember that this isn’t your fault and you couldn’t have done anything differently no matter what he says. Pretty weird he was quick to block you too

    Liked by 1 person

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