It’s day 4 of my water (and diet root beer) fast. I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon. He’s concerned about my not eating and wants me to see the nutritionist. I don’t want to see her. Partly because it’s expensive to do so. She’s not covered by insurance. Second, because she’s just going to tell me to eat and that’s going to be an expensive, pointless appointment since I have no plans to start eating again right now. He wanted to see me again after I see her, but I didn’t set up an appointment with her, and he didn’t have any appointments I could make before I fly out to California again in a couple weeks.
When I came out of my appointment, my tire was flat. Luckily, I have roadside assistance because while I know the mechanics of changing a tire, I’ve never actually done it, and it was sweltering hot. So, I waited for them to show up and change my tire, which he did very quickly. Meanwhile, I missed my appointment with my DBT therapist. I didn’t mind, though, because I wasn’t enthused about telling two people in the same day about my fast.
I’m on day one of a water fast. I haven’t decided yet how long it will be. I just need to jump start my weight loss. I have a huge bottle of water next to me to stay hydrated, and I’m distracting myself with Minecraft.
Today was my last therapy session with my eating disorder therapist. She’s leaving the eating disorder center where I go to go into private practice. While I can’t fault her on this, it’s been rough on me. I have a hard time connecting well with therapists and I thought we had a good connection. I felt comfortable with her. I’m not looking forward to starting over with a new therapist. And I’m scared to not have a good relationship with the new one. My mind has been telling me this is a good point to just stop recovery and take a break from it all. I know, however, that this would mean going back to my eating disorder 100%. I’m not prepared to do that. I’ve worked to hard for the little bit of progress I’ve made. I need to keep working on recovery.
I know last time I posted I was quite distraught. That didn’t last long, but I haven’t felt inspired to write in the last couple weeks. In fact, I haven’t been inspired to do much of anything lately. I have been extremely apathetic and bored and nothing is catching my interest. My psychiatrist has been adjusting my meds and I wonder if this isn’t a side effect of that.
In the time since my last post, I had a birthday. I’m pretty sure I officially qualify as old now.
I’ve been struggling to eat. The fiancé and I have been wedding planning and all I can think of is me standing in front of all my friends and family being fat and everyone looking at me. It makes eating hard. I feel like I need to lose as much weight as possible before the wedding.