Preparations

School ends in a week. I have most everything done, I just need to finish my discussions and take my final exam. I turned in my final project already (yes, this class had a final project AND a final exam). I fly out to California with my boyfriend in 6 days and 4 hours. I have already half packed. I packed everything I’m not going to use in the next 6 days. Most everything else I need to pack I can’t pack until the day I leave because I’ll be using it right up until I leave.

I have eating disorder therapy on Wednesday. She wants me to increase my breakfasts to 3 times this week. She also wants me to draw a new picture of Kyle where I’m fighting back instead of lying prone. I don’t know if I’ll have time to do that before I leave next Wednesday, but I’m going to try.

I had DBT therapy yesterday. I have been in the DBT program for 6 months now. I feel like between that and the eating disorder program, I’ve made a lot of progress in my life in the last 6 months. I feel so much more stable. I’m not self-harming. I’m not depressed. I have skills to deal with things that come up in life instead of being overwhelmed by them. I’ve been able to maintain a healthy romantic relationship. A relationship that is getting very serious, in the most wonderful way possible. In the past, I would have sabotaged my relationship. I never thought I was good enough for anyone, so I always broke things off when they started to get serious. Now I feel secure and comfortable in my relationship.

I need to go shopping before I fly out, I need some things for the trip, and I need to pick up kitty litter so my kitty has fresh litter for while I’m gone. I meet with my dietician on Monday to talk about eating while travelling and on vacation, and tips for eating out, which I’ll be doing a painfully large amount of while we’re in California. I need to finish packing, take my final, finish my discussions, meet with my eating disorder therapist, and go to one more DBT skills group all before I leave. I have a mental to-do list of everything I need to get done. I have a list on my phone of everything I need to pack, and the list keeps growing daily. I feel like I’m taking everything I own, but we’ll be there for 3 weeks and I have never travelled for 3 weeks and I feel like I need everything.

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Therapy Wednesdays

I had therapy this morning. Part of it was just the normal “you need to eat breakfast, and here are the reasons why.” I’ve been really struggling to eat breakfast this last week or so. Part of it is because I’m getting up later because I’m staying up so late and so it feels weird to eat breakfast mid-morning. But I also know that’s partly an excuse to restrict.

We also touched on the loss of my sister today. I’m supposed to journal or do art work around losing her. I’m not looking forward to it. I’ve used my eating disorder in part to keep from dealing with the loss of my sister, so I’m not looking forward to having to face the grief. However, I know it’s necessary.

My homework for this week is to eat breakfast at least twice, and to journal my loss. It’s going to be a tough week. I also have to start my final project for school, so it’ll be a busy week as well.

Getting More Serious

My relationship with the Boyfriend has been getting more serious lately. We’ve been talking about marriage, and I’m meeting his whole extended family in a couple weeks. It’s an exciting time.

Road Trip Weekend

This weekend my three brothers and I road tripped to Albuquerque. I have to say, I’ve been to Albuquerque twice now and I’ve hated it both times. It’s hard to navigate, it’s run down (at least the parts I’ve been to), there are cops everywhere, and there’s not a decent liquor store in the city. However, we had a lot of fun despite the city.

Also, our hotel room had a miniature kitchen, so we were able to get groceries and not eat out for every meal, which was a huge relief for me. I was able to mostly follow my meal plan the whole weekend and find balance in my eating. That’s major progress for me.

Now to just work on my homework from my outpatient therapist: coming up with a schedule for my meals and sticking to them. Over the weekend I just ate when my brothers ate. They eat pretty regularly so I used them as my regulators. At home, I haven’t been good at getting my meals in because I don’t have a schedule down yet, so I need to figure out when I’m eating my meals with my new schedule, and then actually eat without the accountability of three other people constantly around in close quarters.

Outpatient

So I’ve transitioned to outpatient. I met with my new outpatient therapist yesterday. I didn’t feel an instant connection with her, but I didn’t hate her, so that’s good at least.

The transition has been harder than I expected. I need to get into a better routine. I haven’t been eating consistently, and that’s been leading me to binge and purge a few times since I discharged. Today is the first time I ate breakfast in a while. My new therapist challenged me to set a schedule for my meals and to stick to it for the next week, so that’s what I’m going to try to do. Hopefully I can cut down on the binging and purging this way too.

Tomorrow I need to pack. Friday I’m going to Albuquerque for the weekend with my three brothers. We’re driving down Friday morning and driving back Sunday night. Luckily it’s not a long drive.

Happy

Despite everything that’s going on with recovery and transitioning to a lower level of care and having a slip yesterday and just all of the struggle, I’ve been really happy lately. It’s really nice to be happy for a change.

Slips feel like failure

I had a slip tonight. I binged and purged. I feel like a failure. I don’t plan to stay stuck in this slip, but it still feels like I’ve failed.

On the bright side, I dyed my hair blue today. It looks great.

Nervous and Excited

It’s been a while since I posted last. I’ve been super busy with school this last week, but I have a little time today.

Tonight is my last night in the evening intensive outpatient program where I’ve been attending the last 11 weeks. I’m very excited to have the extra time during the week. I’m also nervous to be discharging. I have a history of being in and out of treatment and not being able to sustain my recovery and I worry that without the extra support, I will fall back into old habits.

However, I also know I’m in a much better place this time and have picked up some really good skills and I’m stronger than I’ve ever been before. A part of me believes that I can keep up with recovery even without the EIOP. I hope this is true. I really want this time to be different.

Struggling to focus

I’m really struggling to focus on my nutrition class this weekend. This week’s topic is weight loss and it’s really triggering me. I’m trying to power through it, but it’s really hard. I find myself wanting to just skip the reading and take the test, which I would probably fail. (Or pass, who knows, maybe all my years of focus on weight loss has taught me enough to pass the test.) I just don’t want to do this section. I don’t have a choice; though, so I keep going. Slowly. In small, measured doses.

Love

I just wanted to express how in love I feel with the new guy. We’ve known each other for almost a year and have been dating just over 2 months now and I have fallen head over heals for him. It feels so good to be in love again. And to feel like this time, he loves me back and his love is genuine.