Picture Dump 2: Scales

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scales

The other morning after weighing my head was so loud I didn’t want to eat breakfast. My mind was telling me all sorts of things like I don’t deserve food, I am unworthy of food, I’m too lazy and fat for food, etc. I just wanted the voices to stop. I drew out what the scale was telling me, with myself in the corner with my hands over my ears trying not to listen. The brown background signifies the overall mental confusion in my head that morning.

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8 responses »

  1. Number one: I’m thrilled to see you fighting back, doing your best to silence the lies. I keep telling you I saw the fight in you from early on! You have not disappointed!

    Number two: I LOVE your visuals. I like the title even more: Picture Dump. It looks to me almost like a ritual to visualize what you want out of your head, put it on paper and leave it there. I think that’s fantastic!

    May I offer a visual? A path with the evils of ED on both sides, waiting to lure you off your road to recovery. In the distance, your goal – whatever that looks like to you. That’s your Northern Star. That’s what sailors for centuries guided their ancient ships by, the Northern Star. So what is your Northern Star? What will shine so brightly that you can always keep your eyes on it?

    Stay on it my friend! I see you doing the right things!

    Liked by 1 person

    • jenna, I’m a long term anorexic/exercise bulimic, stimulant user for weight control. My meds make me even hungrier. I blew out my back with overexercise. I am 55 now and in terrible pain. But keep fighting the good fight and I understand. Did you read my post “The Ice Cream Diet?” I have to eat fat and carbs, lots of it, to keep my antidepressant down. I’ve been on so many, and they fail…after a while they stop working and I have to take a newer one. Right now, this is the only one that’s working and I have to eat binge food in order to keep it down otherwise I become extremely ill, and have to throw up, which I’ve become really good at doing.

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      • I haven’t read that post, but I will. I haven’t committed to any antidepressants yet, though I do feel a lot better after speaking to a colleague about them. I haven’t ever wanted to recover more than I do now, so I am ready to do things that scare me.

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  2. Those voices that talk to me about food and about my body size are not my voice. They are the people who were supposed to take care of me and keep me safe as a child but didn’t do their jobs. When they talk to me now, I remind myself that I don’t have to listen to them blame me for their inadequacies any longer.

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