To Destroy the Butterfly, Part 2

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Several weeks back, in art therapy, I drew my eating disorder. It had a butterfly coming off the front, hanging down in front of my face, that signified all the beautiful lies my eating disorder tells me. Last week in art therapy, I made this big butterfly out of clay (about a foot across) and last night I painted it. I used some of my favorite colors, blue and pink and pearl. I painted it gold so it would be flashy and pretty. I wanted it to look like something I would want. I wanted it to truly represent the desires that I have to reach out for that butterfly. To embrace it. To look only at what my eating disorder claims it can offer me.

This morning, I took it outside and I smashed it. I actually used that knife sharpener that’s in the picture because I wanted to stab it, but not with something sharp like a knife. That seemed dangerous. So I stabbed it repeatedly with the knife sharpener. I found it strangely satisfying to watch the pieces of the wings crumble and break apart. It felt somehow freeing. Like, “No, I’m not going to listen to your lies anymore! I’m going to live according to my values, and my values don’t align with the lies you were feeding me.” I feel like if I can stop looking at the butterfly, I can see the eating disorder for the hideous monster that it really is. Goodbye, butterfly.

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12 responses »

  1. I can only imagine how liberating it felt to smash that butterfly. So proud of everything you’re accomplishing in treatment. May God continue to bless you in your recovery!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You go, girl! What an awesome way to send a message to that monster we call ed. Wow. You really did smash that thing to bits! Did you let out a sigh of relief after that?

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  3. I am going to have to buy you a boxing bag which is covered in those little golden flappy buggers! It is always a wonderful feeling to (mentally) destroy that which has hurt you. It is why I write so many books. I have been hurt through rape, molestation and bashings throughout the years, but once I started writing, those people who had hurt me so badly suddenly started ‘dying’ …I focussed on what I could have done to prevent it and after I realised I could not have stopped what they did, I asked myself what I would do if I had to live it again. The Karmic Krystal series was born. Writing these people’s comeuppances was the best thing I ever did, regardless that people find it hard to read. But the therapeutic value is incredible. Your butterfly beating is my Karmic Krystal. Great job, as always xx

    Liked by 1 person

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