To Destroy the Butterfly

A few weeks back in art therapy, I drew my eating disorder. One main feature of my eating disorder was the butterfly it dangles in front of my face, which represents the beautiful lies my eating disorder tells me. The promises it makes me. The things that make me want to keep my eating disorder around. Today, my head was LOUD with those lies. I couldn’t get past them and ate only an apple for breakfast and carrots for lunch.

Tonight, at treatment, I struggled through dinner, but I was able to finish. However, after, my therapist could tell I was really having a hard time so she pulled me into her office to talk for a few minutes before art therapy. She reminded me of the reasons I had given her that I wanted to recover and some other things and it really helped me to refocus.

When I got to art therapy, I decided I was tired of the beautiful lies my eating disorder tells. I’m sick of getting caught up in them. I hate how easily I get pulled into their web of deceit. So, in response, I made a large clay butterfly. When it dries, I want to paint it so it looks pretty, to represent how alluring the lies are. Then, I want to take it outside and smash it with a hammer!!

A large part of me still wants to not eat, to not follow my meal plan, but I’m going to try tomorrow to follow it. I went grocery shopping on the way home from treatment because I didn’t have what I needed in order to follow my meal plan, so to set myself up for my success, I went grocery shopping and filled in the blanks of my pantry. I may hate fighting this on so many levels, but I’m going to beat this. I may be emotionally and mentally exhausted, but I’m going to keep trudging.

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