To Destroy the Butterfly

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A few weeks back in art therapy, I drew my eating disorder. One main feature of my eating disorder was the butterfly it dangles in front of my face, which represents the beautiful lies my eating disorder tells me. The promises it makes me. The things that make me want to keep my eating disorder around. Today, my head was LOUD with those lies. I couldn’t get past them and ate only an apple for breakfast and carrots for lunch.

Tonight, at treatment, I struggled through dinner, but I was able to finish. However, after, my therapist could tell I was really having a hard time so she pulled me into her office to talk for a few minutes before art therapy. She reminded me of the reasons I had given her that I wanted to recover and some other things and it really helped me to refocus.

When I got to art therapy, I decided I was tired of the beautiful lies my eating disorder tells. I’m sick of getting caught up in them. I hate how easily I get pulled into their web of deceit. So, in response, I made a large clay butterfly. When it dries, I want to paint it so it looks pretty, to represent how alluring the lies are. Then, I want to take it outside and smash it with a hammer!!

A large part of me still wants to not eat, to not follow my meal plan, but I’m going to try tomorrow to follow it. I went grocery shopping on the way home from treatment because I didn’t have what I needed in order to follow my meal plan, so to set myself up for my success, I went grocery shopping and filled in the blanks of my pantry. I may hate fighting this on so many levels, but I’m going to beat this. I may be emotionally and mentally exhausted, but I’m going to keep trudging.

22 responses »

  1. You liked a blog post of mine about positive attitude. I’ve been reading your blog for about a month and your struggle sounds really hard. If you need someone I’m here for you. If you need to find some writing to help you I recommend pinterest. I’ve used it to help my anxiety and other problems and there’s a lot on pinterest for people who need help with MI. I don’t know if they help people with eating disorders but I would take a look at it. Stay strong. BTW art is such a good hobbie for people who need an outlet and I think your art and knitting is beautiful and you should post it on deviantart. You should try writing a fictional story about your situation too. You could act out that murder in your story. Writing helps which is why you have this blog and I think you do so many good things here and with your art that you are a strong person and I have a feeling you will be able to beat this!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You have such awesome determination! And what an awesome therapy project. Smash that butterfly!!!

    I did something similar with a piñata that was a wicked witch flying on a broom. I tossed it in the fire pit in my back yard and kept poking it as it burned. So therapeutic and freeing.

    I would like to see a pic of your smashed butterfly. Keep fighting!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Yes , you are fighting so hard. I want to see you smash this butterfly of lies too. I feel it will be such a powerful and liberating feeling and you will always have the pictures to remind you and help you re gain focus when you are struggling .:) xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your butterfly idea is brilliant! I’m excited to see it. You are doing so well and staying so strong in your recovery. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. And THERE’s the A2 I know you really are! Slapped around a bit, but always ready to gather herself and slap back. Bully for you! That’s the kind of character I truly admire, that I respect! Keep on battling!

    I don’t know if you’ve heard of another blogger, BeautyBeyondBones. I’ve been reading her for a while now, and I find her generally inspiring, even tough I don’t have an ED. Anyway, here’s a lonk to a post I read tonight. Maybe it’ll say something to you.

    http://beautybeyondbones.com/2016/02/18/co-state-of-mind/

    Liked by 1 person

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