Wavering

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This morning a friend sent me a story about a woman who lived on just apples for months and how she has recovered and is doing well now. She meant so well with sending it to me, but really all it did was just trigger me. All I’ve thought of all day is living on just apples. I’ve thought about finishing my time in treatment so that I can go and live on apples. It was all I thought of all through groups tonight. Apples. You could do it, you know. You could live on just apples. Do it. Prove people wrong. Show them you can live on just apples. Show people you don’t really need to follow the meal plan like they say. You could be good at this. You used to be a good anorexic, you could be again. Go back to anorexia. You miss it. It misses you. You need it. Anorexia is better than bulimia. Anorexia is better than following a meal plan. You don’t need food anyway. It’s all a lie to get you to eat. They want you fat.

My head is so loud right now. Around and around the thoughts are going. Chasing each other. I wish I knew how to quiet them without restricting or purging. I don’t, though, and that’s a problem. I am so overwhelmed right now. I just want to never eat again. I just want to prove I can do it. That I can be the first human to not need food.

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23 responses »

  1. I know these faults well. I use exercise to help me – no more than an hour and a half. I also talk to my earner. It”s not easy. I have so many safe foods. I KNOW I will never go back to in patient treatment because I have so much more to live for. Maybe look at your goals and what and who you have in your life. Those critter thoughts are strong and can be mesmerising but to go back to it after all this progress you are making would be a waste of the few years we have on this planet. Huggs xxx

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  2. Stay strong. Try to be logical about this. Do not let your ed voice and emotions sway you in this. You have worked really hard to get as far as you have. Call someone for support or call your therapist. This was obviously a big trigger for you. Try journaling about this to get some of it out of your system. Please call your therapist. Lean on God for all understanding with this. Lifting you up in prayer!

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  3. You could go back to anorexia. You could be a good anorexic. But you can NEVER be a happy anorexic. It’s not possible. The trouble is, I think, that the torture of anorexia becomes so ‘normal’ that you mistake it for happiness. But I promise you from my own experience that happiness itself is quite different. So peaceful! (Do you remember what peaceful is???) And I can also promise you that you don’t have to be fat. I’m not!
    Please keep going. Once you stabilise in recovery, you won’t need eating plans (which I’m sure must feel like force feeding) but you have to stabilise first before it’s safe for you to plan your own meals.
    Sending good vibes from Oz

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  4. I’m so sorry to hear that you were triggered…so many well-intentioned people just can say the worst things! Stay strong in your recovery! ā¤

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  5. You can do this, you are such a strong person. It takes a strong person to restrict their food, it takes a strong person to say they have a problem and a strong person to take their problems and beat them all. That strong person is you. Stay strong, safe and stay you. YOU CAN DO THIS x

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  6. I’m so sorry. You’re in my prayers. Whatever happens I’m here listening and I am sorry I don’t comment as much as I should lately. It is such a hard day for you. Is there anyone you could call for support? I remember you said once before that talking to your mum helped when your head was really loud. Not knowing how to quiet thoughts without hurting myself is a struggle for me too though at the moment with self harm more than food. On bad days I see very underweight people and the voice gets in my head too. And it’s really hard when someone means well but actually triggers you, like your friend sending the article.
    A physical warning – i knew someone who tried to live only on apples. Big problems happened with acid in her stomach and she ended up with a lot of pain and in the end bloating though she was dangerously underweight. It’s dangerous and may not make you feel good in the end.
    Have you got therapy today?
    I don’t know if doing something nice for yourself, or going out for a walk, makes it better at all and the voices quieter, or worse. …
    Sending big hugs xxx

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  7. Triggers are nasty buggers. I wish they were a physical thing instead of an emotional thing, as they truly do need a kick in the balls.

    Unfortunately, many things trigger me also. I suffer OCD, PTSD, Agoraphobia with Panic Disorder, Depression, am Deaf and legally blind. All of these things stem back to a physical attack. Somebody recently told me something… one word: DISTRACT. They said that when I feel a panic attack coming on, to forcibly distract myself. Look around and see things… name things in your head that you can see which you can touch. When she first told me this, I seriously thought it was nothing but a load of horse sh!t, but the next time I left the house (which is almost never), I was about 10km from my home. My skin started to creep and my chest started to tighten… something had set me off and I had no idea what. Instead of letting *whatever it was* win, I remembered what she told me, so I looked out the window. Trees, fence, sign, pavement, dogs, people, store, apartment, railway line… and I kept doing it all the way home.

    While distracting myself didn’t fully take away the fear, it alleviated it quite a bit and as soon as I walked into my apartment and felt the safety of home envelop me, the fear was gone.

    Have they spoken to you about distraction techniques in therapy at all?

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  8. You’re strong, and that you know it’s not a good thing for your body speaks volumes. It can be so hard when there are triggers in even the most well-meaning things, but you have been able to separate lies from the ED to what’s true, and I believe you can again šŸ™‚

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  9. Aww I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Speaking from personal experience, I know how difficult it can be.

    What helped me choose that I’m not going to listen to those thoughts is realizing that they’re just THOUGHTS, and that I am NOT my own thoughts. If you’re like a lighthouse and those strong thoughts are like waves crashing into you, you know that those thoughts don’t change who YOU are – your dreams, goals, aspirations etc. – and that they will come and go.

    One day at a time, one bite at a time. Don’t give up!

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  10. I’m sorry this was so triggering for you but it’s a relief to know that other people’s minds work just like mine- that is exactly what I would’ve taken from a story about living on apples! Which is why I’m selective about what I read (you’re blog made the cut! šŸ˜‰ )

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  11. Pingback: To Destroy the Butterfly | a2eternity

  12. My mom sent me pictures today of a cousin who just lost a pile of weight . I know that my mom meant well, but all it did was make me feel horrible, like I was nothing more than a blubbery failure.

    You’re not alone in this struggle. And I’m thankful to have found your blog because…I don’t know. I have found a community of healing? A place where, for once, I am not alone?

    As another writer posted, one day at a time. One bite a time.

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