This morning a friend sent me a story about a woman who lived on just apples for months and how she has recovered and is doing well now. She meant so well with sending it to me, but really all it did was just trigger me. All I’ve thought of all day is living on just apples. I’ve thought about finishing my time in treatment so that I can go and live on apples. It was all I thought of all through groups tonight. Apples. You could do it, you know. You could live on just apples. Do it. Prove people wrong. Show them you can live on just apples. Show people you don’t really need to follow the meal plan like they say. You could be good at this. You used to be a good anorexic, you could be again. Go back to anorexia. You miss it. It misses you. You need it. Anorexia is better than bulimia. Anorexia is better than following a meal plan. You don’t need food anyway. It’s all a lie to get you to eat. They want you fat.
My head is so loud right now. Around and around the thoughts are going. Chasing each other. I wish I knew how to quiet them without restricting or purging. I don’t, though, and that’s a problem. I am so overwhelmed right now. I just want to never eat again. I just want to prove I can do it. That I can be the first human to not need food.