I can’t believe you said that

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knit

For evening snack Friday night, I had a challenge snack and at a half cup of ice cream. Earlier that evening, my dad had, I thought jokingly, told me I couldn’t have any ice cream until I moved a lamp he wanted me to move. The lamp isn’t in a place I normally see, and he always reminds me when I’m in the middle of something else.

So when he saw I had eaten ice cream, he asked if I had moved the lamp. I said no. He told me to go to the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat and throw it up. I was in complete shock, and didn’t know how to respond. I already wanted to purge the ice cream. And my dad knows I’m bulimic. He knows I’m in treatment for bulimia. He takes me to and from treatment every day!

I went to my room and texted my mom, in tears, and told her what happened and how I wanted to purge and how his comment just kept going through my brain. She told me that she knew my brain was probably being really loud, but to try knitting or watching something and distracting myself. So I did. I got out my knitting and I put on Parks and Recreation and I just sat in my room trying to pretend me father didn’t exist and I distracted myself for the next couple hours until I eventually went to bed, purge-free.

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24 responses »

  1. Good for you for distracting yourself and not purging! It is good that you were able to reach out to your mum about this. But that was a terrible thing for your dad to say. I remember my dad saying some really nasty things to me when I was struggling with my anorexia. Old school mentality??? Who is to say. But it hurts nonetheless.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so, so sorry. That is a wildly cruel thing to say, and I can’t imagine how that feels. You should be proud of yourself for not purging, however, and being able to distract yourself from those feelings is a real sign of strength.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. My heart goes out to you! I’m very impressed with how bravely you resisted AND SUCCEEDED! Well done! It’s sad that you had to endure such a test, but you came through this time. As much it hurt, you now know you can keep going. Please accept the hugs that I and everyone else here surely have for you!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I don’t even know what to say! People say the most insensitive things!!! I know you are on a hard road, you certainly don’t need comments like that one to sabotage your progress! I am glad you made it through without purging. Good for you!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I am so sorry to hear what your dad said. It was incredibly insensitive. Be proud of yourself for staying strong. You made recovery your priority in the heat of an intense and painful moment…that is amazing progress! God bless and protect you!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You did great by reaching out to your mom and by being able to steel yourself in the direction of her great advice. What your father said was cruel at best. I’m sorry you were put into that situation. You should be proud that you overcame it. You did not give in to the urge to purge and that is a victory for you. You did well. Keep fighting Dear, take one day at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Bloody hell. My skin crawled as I read this. I know you love your dad, but what a prick of a thing to say! By any chance, is he part of the reason that you have an eating disorder? I wanted to reach through the screen and throttle him for what he said to you. GRRRRRR!

    The fact that you didn’t purge and instead rang your mum shows just how strong you are and I am so proud of you right now. And after what your own father had the audacity to say to you, I want to reach out and hug you, right before I drop-kick your dad in the nut sack.

    Love and strength to you from Finland xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh my days…
    I am so sorry.
    I can’t understand why he would say something so stupid and hurtful. I mean what a bizarre thing to say to anyone let alone in your circumstances. It’s so hard when people closest to us say really hurtful things especially when it’s so evident they’d be hurtful. I’ve had my share of comments like this but this takes the biscuit (oh dear pardon the term! )
    Can you talk about this incident in therapy?
    I’m pleased you could talk to your mum about it and that it seemed she understood a bit what you were feeling.
    You are so strong and did so amazingly not to purge. It must already have been hard before your dad’s comment with the challenge of a more unsafe food. You’ve won a huge victory in this xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I can’t believe your father said that to you, especially since he knows exactly what is going on in your life. You did really well not tonpurfe and you should be very proud of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I am sorry for what happened to you! He should not have used used ice cream to get you move a stupid lamp! It’s just a damn lamp! Then on top of that when you objected to it, he joked about sticking down your throat and throw up?!?! That is so insensitive!!! I am glad though you found a positive way to deal with the situation.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I was thinking about you today. I can’t believe your dad said this to you and I hope that you called him on his shit. And that your mom gave you the support you need. Is there anywhere else you can stay for a while until you can complete your treatment? Maybe he didn’t MEAN it (I don’t know your dad) but that seems like a toxic environment.

    Make sure you tell your program about this and that they DOCUMENT THIS CONVERSATION IN YOUR RECORDS. Hopefully you’ll never need it, but in the event that you need to stay overnight a night or two they need this kind of incident documented as leverage to deal with your insurance. I hate to bring this shit up but I work in medical billing and I know how heartless insurance companies can be. And adding financial stress to your life is the last thing you need to do right now.

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  12. I’m sure he thought he was making light of a moment….obviously NOT the thing to do, but some dudes banter like that and find it amusing. I am not one of those dudes. I vote to make him a pan of Ex-Lax brownies and THEN SEE HOW MUCH FUNNY IS LIFE. Oh, PS – hide the TP when you do.

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  13. Good for you! Some people make super insensitive comments about why “I’m eating so little in public” and stuff like that, making me get really mad, so I really relate. Something that really helps me when they do that is to try to pretend to be them and make positive reasons why they said that to you: maybe he thought that the more weight you lost the happier you would be, etc. Some times I even make mean comments when radically accepting, but it helps! I’ll say something like: he/she is just too ignorant/dumb to grasp what I am going through so I will ignore him/her.

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