Last night I had a very hard time with dinner and I couldn’t finish and had to boost. When the staff member was talking to me about it afterward, she asked me what kind of thoughts were going through my head during dinner. They were standard Kyle-lies, things like “I don’t deserve to eat” and “I’m too fat for food.” She told me to give her counter thoughts to the thoughts I was having like we had practiced before. I couldn’t. I could not say the counter thoughts out loud. I couldn’t get them to come out.

This, after a bit, made me really angry. It made me remember the wheel of abuse we discussed in group and how my eating disorder felt, in that moment, truly oppressive. Something about that made me really angry. And I don’t get angry.

After dinner, we had art therapy. The art therapist asked me what I felt I needed to work on and I scared her by telling her I wanted to kill something. I worked with paint, which normally scares me because I have no experience with paint and I don’t like to get messy. I painted the above 3 panels.

I painted the middle panel first. That is the death scene. There’s an explosion of blood. That panel, while simple, was intense to paint. In that scene, I killed my eating disorder. I murdered Kyle. But that son of a bitch had it coming.

The first panel represents my eating disorder. It’s dark and oppressive with words that represent my eating disorder.

The last panel is my life after the death of Kyle. It’s bright and hopeful and, yes, there’s a residual effect of his role in my life, but most of my life is filled with what I want to fill it with.


17 responses »

  1. Love the art work. You are more talented than you think. What interested me the most was how you say you felt ANGER and that is not a feeling you are used to feeling. I think this is a positive. ED’s numb our feelings and anger is an emotion which we need to feel. I’m so glad you are conquering Kyle. xx much love

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The paintings are brilliant. You killed it because it needed to die. I kill often in my novels. Evil, hate, pain… they are the victims on paper when I kill, just as yours became the victim on canvas. Feel that anger. Don’t be afraid of it. Let it out and start to heal, bit by bit. I am so proud of you.

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  3. Pingback: Reblog: Murder | My Journey Through Life

  4. Frightening but beautiful. What a powerful moment in your journey of recovery. I hope that you can continue to use your anger and your art as you battle this disease! God bless!

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  5. A2! A2! And the crowd goes wild! I LOVE your painting. I have a problem even with stick men, so I applaud your bravery at tackling a medium you don’t have experience with. I knew what it was before I read your explanation, it’s that good. The right panel feels to me almost like heaven. Kyle did indeed have it coming. Too bad film likely isn’t available where you go. You could do a Quentin Tarantino-inspired movie a la Kill Bill. Yours would be “Kill Kyle” Lots of swords and blood…all of it Kyle’s! Keep up the great work!

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  6. I love this, it really gives a picture of whats going on in a persons head. It is an interpretation on paper that helps me to understand more what your fighting. Keep it up your going to win this fight and kill those demons. Now if you could just paint what is in my head I would love that πŸ™‚

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  7. Very interesting. Not that I’ve been asked, but…
    I see, almost a cross in the middle large Spot Splatter, drop (?). The word Control stands out on the left panel. Though it could be related to “manipulation”, due to its being on a “dark” panel, I see it as out of reach for the artist, darkly shrouded. It begs my thoughts that the red “blood?” drops don’t venture to the blue squiggled panel. The blue squiggles almost resemble question marks (???). Their appearance there, and their lack of conviction as to what they wish to represent (depicting exactly) gives the panel, for me, a overall “Blue Funk”. Worn out feeling. A what’s next, feeling which I connect to the “questionable questions”.
    I’m a artist, so in part that explains my pretentious intuition.
    I have something I’d like you to look at, hoping for some feed back;
    Bye for now.


  8. You make very clear expressions through art. I know anger is hard to deal with. I didn’t used to get angry either. I wonder if this art is helpful in allowing you to focus the anger on the eating disorder’s effect on you, rather than on you?
    You will reach the beautiful and positive future, I know. Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Absolutely beautiful piece of artwork there. To me, it’s almost as if your eating disorder was destroyed then washed clean in healing waters as depicted in the final panel. I love how you describe the process too and your own interpretation.

    Liked by 1 person

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