Bouncing Back

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As I sit here, early in the morning, snow covering the world outside, sipping the coffee that is not part of my meal plan, I can’t help but think back to yesterday where everything seemed to go wrong.

The day started out fine. I started out following my meal plan. I started out studying for my test. I drew intestines for school (see below). Then, around 12:30pm, I went over to my sister’s for some sister time and to see my niece and nephew for their second birthday. Only, when I arrived, my sister wasn’t there. She had taken the kids to a late lunch. During the time we had scheduled to get together. So, for an hour and a half, I sat in her empty house, all by myself.

She got back right before I had to leave. I got to say hi to the kids and give them hugs, but then I had to go. No sister time, no play time. Just a passing hello. I was frustrated to say the least. So, to deal with my frustration, I went to Ihop and ordered an omelet and pancakes and ate it all, and then purged. Unfortunately, this started a pattern of binging and purging that lasted the rest of the day.

I did get my test taken, and I got a perfect score, so there was one bright spot in my day yesterday, but mostly I felt terrible and engaged in behaviors and I had to write all those behaviors down and my team is going to know about it and talk to me about it and I don’t want to.

So today, I feel rotten. I feel guilty and ashamed and like shit. I don’t want to follow my meal plan, but I’m going to try. Why? Because when you trip and fall, you don’t just lie there on the ground afterward going “I fell, I guess I’m stuck here.” No, you go, “that hurt, but I’m getting back up now,” and you do, you stand back up and you keep going. So today, I’m going to stand back up and I’m going to keep going. Even though the fall hurt and it’s hard to get back up. Even though I hate my meal plan. I will try to trust it. I will try to follow it.

 

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12 responses »

  1. You are not alone. You probably know this already but I think the trigger for your binge was not having your needs met ie feeling disappointed not to spend quality time with your family. Time that you needed -a way of expressing healthy emotions. I’m no doctor – far from it. I just have found if I can I identify my triggers I’m less likely to starve/binge- if that makes sense? well done on your test clever clogs! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First I am really sorry that your sister let you down like that and went back on arrangements without even letting you know, at a time you most needed her. That must have really hurt. I’m so sorry. Clearly you are special to your niece and nephew and I hope you can see them again and your sister, soon.
    I can fully understand why you were really upset and why feeling like that could lead to bingeing. You were disappointed, let down, hurt, sad, you’d been trying really hard to stick to your meal plan which must have been tough, you had studying and your test which can’t have been easy either, and you lost something you were really hoping for and needed when your sister let you down. And probably no end of other feelings.
    I think your therapy team will understand why it was so hard.
    And you know, I think it’s so good that you were able to recognise what happened, write about it honestly and be willing to take the hard step of discussing it when you go to therapy. They will be able to help you. Ifi were in your shoes I don’t know that is have been able to work through things and write stuff down.
    Not only that but you got a fab score in your test! Well done! And you’re thinking about how you can keep strong today and how you can stand up and walk forward today. God bless you. Your perseverance and honesty are beautiful.
    Xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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