Sinking in Doubt

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Now that I start treatment in just a couple days, that old familiar doubt is starting to creep in. The doubt that says, maybe I really am not sick enough for treatment. Maybe I don’t have an eating disorder at all. Maybe I’m making this all up. Maybe it’s all in my head. What if I get there and they tell me I really don’t have bulimia? What if they tell me I’m not sick enough for their program? What if? Maybe… … … …

Doubt is sinking in…

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17 responses »

  1. That is exactly… EXACTLY… the way I felt before my first appointment. I was convinced that if I went to this appointment the doctor would laugh me out of his office and tell me there’s nothing wrong. I expressed all of this to my significant other, who gave me a total “are you friggin’ nuts?” look. Well needless to say, that didn’t happen.

    It might help to write down the points you want to express at your appointment so that you don’t miss anything. Even take the paper with you. I still do this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anxiety is natural in your situation…let’s face it the unknown can be fucking terrifying…especially when we play over and over all the “what ifs” that pop into our heads…been there myself, hell I live in an almost constant state of anxiety…sometimes I can overcome it, sometimes not. One thing I can say with certainty is, things almost never turn out as bad as I imagined…if I suck it up and follow through. It’s ok to have doubts, but try to not let them overwhelm you. You got this! (((HUGS)))ღ

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That’s your illness trying to keep you stuck. I always had a million inner voices telling me treatment wasn’t necessary, from ‘this is normal’ to ‘you’re just being weak and shameful so snap out of it’ to ‘I can’t cope with recovery’. And your health insurer hasn’t helped, the arrogant, ignorant bastard! But I’m well, now, and I can only say it’s really, really worth it, not scary at all and a gateway to so many simple pleasures you can’t even see at the moment. You’re a lot stronger than you think. so feel the fear and do it anyway! We’re all with you in spirit.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I had this anxiety to when I was sectioned to go to hospitals. It s part of the illness to doubt you are ill. I think there is same unconscious will to self sabotage your desire to get well. It is scary. Terrifying. There is light. The mere fact you are so unhappy with your bulimia is a good enough reason to seek help.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I get that lot too, before I go to every therapy session. The worry and anxiety is almost always wrong, it will be lot better than you think. The people there are trained to help you and its their job. Im sure you will get lots of good advice. You’re doing something to help yourself and thats brilliant 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I have not yet found the answer to how to cope when we feel like this, but I definitely get these feelings too. After I ask for help or tell someone about things that happened to me, I get voices in my head telling me I’ve lied, I’ve invented it, I don’t deserve help and so on. I wonder if when you get to therapy you might find you aren’t the only one with these thoughts. Not that that helps at all, I just know I’ve been surprised in my therapy group to find that other people also get these thoughts or worry about being a “fake”.
    You are doing so well to keep going through this. I’m praying for you. I hope that when you’re in therapy they can help you deal with these feelings.
    xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Like so many others have said: the anxiety is completely normal, although I sympathize with you because I know it’s scary. Good luck – YOU CAN DO IT!!

    One thing I do in overwhelming situations is try to put things into perspective with two questions.
    (1) What’s the worst that can happen if I try this?
    (2) What’s the worst that can happen if I DON’T try this?

    For question 1, I can think back on past mental health treatment that I didn’t want to undergo. The worst is normally: I felt embarrassed about my disorder. I felt ashamed of my thoughts, feelings, or actions. I felt uncomfortable talking to a stranger about bad memories, habits, or compulsions. The worse was just a feeling, maybe a really bad one, but one that passed. I realized I won’t die from those feelings. The world won’t stop turning and I’ll survive those temporary feelings. Futhermore, taking a step toward treatment meant that me feeling “bad” in the process was really the last time I “felt bad” in that extreme way because I was on a path to brighter days.

    For question 2 – the worst than could have happened if I didn’t try what it took to be my healthiest best self? I could’ve died. I could’ve stayed trapped in my own personal hell until it consumed me. I would have been sad, isolated, and lonely for a long time.

    So I’m asking you those questions today, out of love. Think to yourself, or maybe even write down your thoughts when you answer this: (1) What’s the worst that can happen if you go? (2) What’s the worst that will happen to you if you don’t? Compare the columns.

    Much love,
    -Tiffanie

    Liked by 1 person

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