Rough Day


I ate twice today. That’s more than I ate in the last week. I purged both times, and then took a handful of laxatives. I’ve been nauseous and dizzy all day. I just purged and took laxatives for the second time and now my chest hurts on top of the nausea and dizziness.

It hasn’t been a very productive day due to the way I’ve been feeling. I didn’t get any knitting done because I didn’t have the energy to lift my arms. I didn’t get any housework done because I was too nauseous to move around.

I’ll probably go to bed early because I just feel so blah.


31 responses »

  1. Deciding to reach out for professional health was the hardest and best thing you could have done. I didn’t and it is making recovery hard but it’s coming nonetheless. I hope you find happiness, you are beyond capable of beating this.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I so feel for you. I was caught up in bulimia/anorexia mainly bulimia for almost thirty years. I found what helped was adopting a food plan for three meals a day, with no sugar and controlled fat, for a time. Because I cut sugar and high fat food out of my diet I eliminated the foods I would purge on. Now I have my own food plan which does sometimes involve sugar but not much and very little high fat food. I haven’t purged once since July 2009 though I do get tempted into compulsive exercise sometimes. I am also thinner than I was when I was bulimic, which for someone with an eating disorder is absolute heaven! I shouldn’t care about that but I do…

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I am so sorry that you feel so ill today. It sounds like you’re having a really really hard time at the moment. You’re feeling really bad physically then maybe it’s even more frustrating for you because you can’t do things you want to like your crafts and housework. I really feel for you and I wish I could reply to your posts more often. I don’t have the internet at home so there’s often a delay. You are in my thoughts.
    You have taken such brave steps in the last few weeks in approaching clinics for help. It is too much and too hard to cope on your own.
    Please take care for your heart. I can really empathise with you and I know it can be impossible to stop the vomiting and using laxatives. I remember back to when I was bingeing and purging daily and eventually purging after anything at all I ate. It feels like there’s nothing else to do and you’ve failed whenever you eat and you have to get rid of all the disgusting things and get it out and you aren’t allowed to stop.
    I’m feeling sad for you. I know it’s so horrible. I really really hope that the clinic you are going to see will be able to help you and will recognise how very hard you’re struggling and how you need help right away.
    Your body is really suffering as well as you suffering in your mind or emotions. If you are having heart or chest pains the vomiting and laxatives could be putting your body in serious physical distress. Getting dehydrated, the effects of the laxatives themselves as well as the upset stomach and being sick, can all dehydrate you and affect the electrolytes and minerals in your body and your blood. You need them for your muscles and your heart (your biggest muscle) to work and when they’re disrupted or too low your muscles and heart aren’t able to work properly and even waste away. It doesn’t matter what weight you are or how much you’re eating – this danger can still be there. I know I’ve said most of that before it’s just I’m worried as you’ve mentioned your chest hurting and not being able to hold your arms up that this means you’re really weak physically at the moment.
    I am really hoping the clinic can guide and help you about this but I’m wondering is there any way you can see a doctor for a physical check as well? Your GP or nurse or even the emergency room / A&E? I’m in the UK and I think you’re in the USA and I know your access to medical care and insurance etc is very different from ours. No doubt the clinic you’ll see could advise you anyway.
    I know it is so hard to go to see anyone or ask for any help. I used to feel I didn’t have the right to, particularly to physical help because the physical health problems I was getting were all my fault. And because I felt I couldn’t stop what I was doing anyway.
    I am really hoping for you that you meet doctors / clinicians who show you that you do deserve help and that they do really want to help you.
    Sending hugs
    Ginny xxxx

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I send you love and light during this difficult time you are having with your health. I hope your suffering eases a bit and you recover from bulimia. I have experienced binge eating disorders for most of my life. I know that is different than your situation, but either way the negative impact to our bodies is difficult on the mind as well. I encourage you to hang in there with the clinical assistance and surround yourself with as much positive energy as possible. Peace and blessings. Davina

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I wish I couldn’t relate to this feeling, but I can. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Try some pedialyte or some coconut water. Or, at the least, if you’re feeling like liquids are freaking you out, invest in some potassium supplements and take a small sip of water with those. Let me know if you ever want to talk

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I hope you are feeling as well as you can at this time. You’ve done amazing to reach out in the way you have it’s no surprise you’re struggling.
    Take care & I’m always happy to lend an ear if you need to talk

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I want you to google starving syrians. people are dying because they dont have food. we are caught up in something superficial for appearances in the world of dieting. stop hurting yourself – you are loved and accepted. And also blessed.


      • i know enough that people are starving are starvingin the world and most of us diet for our appearance including the start of eating disorders. when we have alot to be thankful for. thanks for trying to be a start with me. i know some jackass would have the balls too


      • let me tell you something you have 1,000 followers supporting you. but your wallowing in self pity endlessly. giveit up or blog is clearly fake.


      • clearly you know enough to wallow in self pity endlessly when 1,000 people are trying to reach you and be suppportive. i hope you know we care. i care. and yes i do know about eating disorders but when you see how others are suffering you maybe will stop kicking yourself.


        • Why would I reach out to you after the shit you just gave me? Yeah, you apologized, but you also left several rude, derogatory comments on my blog. That doesn’t bode well for future communication or instill any sort of trust in me.


  8. I was bulemic as a kid. So many years ago. I know about the purge and the chest pains, but I’m no doctor. Instead, I am a house-bound Agoraphobic who writes for a living.

    I had so many issues. So much emotional shit going on that nobody knew about and that I couldn’t talk about. I am 45 years old now, profoundly Deaf, legally blind after having my head cracked open by an abusive ex. I am now married, living in a different country because my ex had too many friends in high places. I still get the chest pains, but they are more from panic attacks than anything else. I eat when I remember to because I work myself into the ground.

    If stuff is up – if stuff has happened and you just can’t talk about it – don’t bottle it up at all. Write about it, whether it be as a diary or in a book. While writing is all I seem to do these days (whether as an author, blogger or book reviewer), I always make sure I get that bad shit out of me by way of words. I have a shrink who allows me to do sessions via email once per month. I keep a diary each day, and once a month I send it to her so she can look at it, make her notes, and possibly toss it into the waste basket at the end of the day, practicing her “across the room” goals. I get feedback. Then I go back to writing.

    Regarding the chest pains, I am no doctor, but I have managed to curb mine. I will tell you how and you can shrug and ignore or you can try it. We all have free will. When my chest hurts, I sit, I try and go to my *happy place* – as pathetic as anybody else might find my happy place, it is mine, not theirs, so bugger them. Find your happy place in your mind. Close your eyes and imagine it. As you imagine it and take yourself there, take a deep breath. (at first, it might hurt because you have a chest pain) Count to five, then let it out. Wait a about 10-15 seconds before you take another deep breath, keeping yourself in your happy place. Deep breath in, hold it, then let it all out. Each time you breathe out, feel all the tension, the pain, the bullshit in your life also being exhaled so it is gone, away from where you are. I also find that after a minute or two, I am quite relaxed.

    And as I said, I write. My comment is more the size of a blog than a comment, so you were forewarned 😉

    I am following your blog now, because I hope that things get better for you. It took a long time for me, and I am still working on it, but I found an outlet and a way to cope. Now that I have finally stopped running from my ex, I am working on all that baggage (so much shit) that I have carried around with me for more than 43 years. I hope things improve.

    *holds your hand and sends you my strength*

    Breathe in….. breathe out xx

    Liked by 1 person

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