Yesterday sucked. I binged and purged and didn’t follow my meal plan at all. I was left with a lot of guilt and shame and disgust.
- So, today, I will follow my meal plan 100%.
- Today I will NOT binge and purge.
- Today I will focus on recovery.
- Today I will take time for self-care.
- Today I will let go of the past two days of failure and look to my future.
Yesterday was rough. I binged and purged twice instead of following my meal plan. Then, this morning, the scale said I had gained 6 pounds since yesterday morning. Ugh! I can’t even deal today. I don’t know whether or not I’m going to try to follow my meal plan today. I want to fast so I can lost that weight I gained binging yesterday. But I also know that if I don’t try then I won’t be working toward recovery, which is what I ultimately want, even if it doesn’t feel like I want it right now. I don’t know. I’m just overwhelmed and exhausted.
Yesterday was day four of treatment. Before treatment was rocky between entering my food into the school software that calculates my calories, trying to follow the meal plan, stopping laxatives, and flushing my laxatives. By the time I arrived at treatment I was absolutely frantic and couldn’t eat dinner. I cried through the first group, which was dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). After DBT was proccess group, where I was able to talk through my day and process everything that had happened and get advice and feedback from the group.
Process group was sooo helpful. I felt so much better after processing my day. I was able to eat and finish my evening snack.
I am still working on increasing my intake to get up to my full meal plan. I’m supposed to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. Today I’m going to try to eat 2 meals and 2 snacks. It feels overwhelming. Especially since I no longer have laxatives and I’m trying not to purge.
All the changes I’ve made this week have been hard and exhausting. I wish I could just have something magical happen and I just be recovered! Why does it have to require so much work?
I just made a huge step toward recovery. I have been working with my nutritionist on tapering down my laxatives. Today was the last day I’m allowed laxatives. So, after taking my allowed amount, I flushed the rest of my laxatives I had in the house. I feel really apprehensive about it. It’s very final. I have literally no money right now, so I can’t go out and get more laxatives at the moment. It’s like a kick in the teeth to my eating disorder, and in a way, it hurts. It’s also a little freeing. I’m so conflicted right now. I really want to get better, but my eating disorder is screaming right now.
Last night was day 3. Dinner was hard and I barely finished, eating my last bite right as time was called. Right after dinner was art therapy. We start art with a visual check-in. We have 3 minutes to draw how we are feeling. I was overwhelmed from dinner, so I drew a sad, crying face surrounded by a bright pink circle that represented my anxiety that was enveloping me.
The art teacher suggested that for my first night in art therapy I try creating a safe place. A place I could imagine and go back to when I was feeling overwhelmed. I decided to work with colored pencil and chalk pastels and made the above image. I chose fields because I feel calmest when I am out in nature. I chose a solid tree because they make me feel safe to be under. I put a swing on the tree because swinging makes me feel relaxed. I put mountains in the distance because I love to look at the mountains. I didn’t have time to give the sky color, but I like the way my picture turned out. And in the process of making my safe place, much of the sadness, overwhelmingness, and anxiety left me and I was much more calm for the next group.
I’m also taking a college course right now. I’m taking a prerequisite for the nursing course I want to get into: Human Nutrition. This class is fascination, and triggering as hell. One project I’m working on right now is a diet analysis. I have to track my food intake over a number of days using their diet tracker software and it automatically tracks the nutrients I am consuming, including my calories, vitamins, and minerals. I am not supposed to be tracking calories while I’m in treatment, and I find this software very triggering. I find myself wanting to not follow my meal plan because I have to submit my diet analysis to my teacher and I don’t want her to see me eating all this food. I see the calories listed in the breakfast I just ate and I want to go vomit. I really need to talk to my team about how to handle this because it’s been really hard on me.
Yesterday I met with my psychiatrist. I was apprehensive going in. I didn’t have a good experience with the psychiatrist I was assigned through the mental health clinic I attend, so I was worried how my appointment would go. I was pleasantly surprised. He was friendly, he didn’t talk down to me or seem to have pre-judged what conditions I had and try to make me fit into those diagnoses regardless of whether they fit me or not. He was attentive and listened, asked a lot of questions, and really seemed to care.
After I met with the psychiatrist, it was time for dinner. Dinner was very hard last night, and I was only able to complete about 60% of it. I tried really hard, though.
During our first group after dinner, we made collages with pastels to represent a moment in time in the last 24 hours where we felt intense emotion. We had to think of the moment and then circle on an emotions list all the emotions we were feeling. Then, using the pastels, we had to assign each emotion a color, and represent them on the paper however we felt best represented the moment.
I made the above collage. I started in the center with the emotions I feel are at the core of me and then worked out to the emotions I feel are more at the surface. The emotions are as follows, starting from the center and working out:
The moment in time that I picked was right after I finished dinner.
Tonight we have art and then family group. I invited several people from my family but I don’t think anyone is coming. I’m looking forward to more art.
I spent the weekend with my brothers. We played Dungeons and Dragons on Saturday. My brother’s girlfriend played too. We had a lot of fun. After my youngest brother and his girlfriend went home, My other two brothers and I played video games and drank.
On Sunday, we played more video games, then we watched the Broncos beat the Patriots. That was great.
Yesterday I started treatment. I didn’t eat before going in at one. When I met with my nutritionist at 3:00, she almost made me eat a snack, but I started crying and she let me wait for dinner. She said she knew that I was really overwhelmed and she would let me wait. I was so relieved because I really didn’t think I could eat a snack right then.
Dinner was hard and I barely finished it in time. But, I did finish my dinner. Through tears. And I didn’t purge afterward or take laxatives after dinner. That was harder still. I cried on and off the rest of the night. However, I made it through.
There are only two other people in the EIOP right now. One lady and one man. They both seem nice. We got along well and they were both very helpful and encouraging during dinner.
I tried to follow my meal plan for breakfast, but ended up feeling overwhelmed and anxious and binged and purged instead. I’m not eating lunch since I binged this morning and can’t purge dinner.
I’m working on tapering off my laxatives with my nutritionist. I usually take 100-300 pills a day. Today and tomorrow I’m taking just 100. Then the next two days I’m going to try to go down to just 50. Then two days at 25. Then none. Then I may have to take Miralax for a while because of how many laxatives my body is used to taking.
Wish me luck for tonight. I’m already so nervous and anxious.
Now that I start treatment in just a couple days, that old familiar doubt is starting to creep in. The doubt that says, maybe I really am not sick enough for treatment. Maybe I don’t have an eating disorder at all. Maybe I’m making this all up. Maybe it’s all in my head. What if I get there and they tell me I really don’t have bulimia? What if they tell me I’m not sick enough for their program? What if? Maybe… … … …
Doubt is sinking in…
I want to take a moment and thank you, dear reader, for reading this. And thank you especially to all you who comment on my blog. Your comments mean more to me than you will ever know. Your kindness and encouragement are a bright spot in my life and they really help keep me going when I’m struggling the most.
I appreciate so much the advice, the warm thoughts, the prayers, the resources you send me, the virtual hugs, the solidarity, every comment. Thank you for being you, and thank you for taking the time to visit my blog.
I just got a call from the eating disorder clinic. They wouldn’t authorize the partial hospitalization program that my team and the eating disorder clinic wanted me in. They only authorized the evening intensive outpatient program, which is 4 nights a week.
I’m frustrated and disappointed. I know the EIOP can be helpful, and I will try to make it so, but I really feel like I need the PHP right now.
I go in Monday at 1pm. Normally I’ll be going in at 4:45pm-9pm, Monday-Thursday.