Flailing

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I skipped therapy this morning. I would have just finished up my hour-long session. Why did I skip it? I’m not sure. I’m just having a hard time going lately. I didn’t want to face her. I didn’t want to do another chain analysis. I didn’t want to try to work through, again, why I’m not eating. It’s exhausting.

Lately I’ve been just not eating except maybe one meal a day. However, I want to be more intentional with my eating, so I’m going back to the Fix It Fast Diet. Therefore, today is a fasting day.

fastdiet

I feel like I’m floundering. The longer I do the DBT program, the more I hate it. It feels constricting. And they want me to change my eating behaviors and I’m not ready to. I don’t know anymore why I’m doing it. I want to quit. And I feel like my eating disorder is consuming me more and more, but I don’t want to give it up. I need it. I’m afraid of losing it.

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12 responses »

  1. Sometimes scheduling my meals is more or less the only reason I remember to eat.

    And while maybe 55% of the time I’m grateful to have a smart phone that beep beeps to remind me that food goes in my mouth part, 45% of the time I just want to drop-kick the phone, because being healthy is hard and kind of sucks.

    I was diagnosed with a very different disorder– my problems are more hallucinatey– but I hope you feel a little less alone today.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The beginning that’s the hardest. Not only that, the DBT is retraining your brain so it won’t feel natural. And that’s okay. It’s okay for you to have hard days, it’s okay for you to want to give up. I would just encourage you to keep going. You are doing something remarkable for yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Stay strong, don’t give up! You’ve got this. Healthy is hard, but I promise it’s worth it! Trying to gain my own health back (again) and am in recovery (again). Sending positive thoughts your way! xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  4. those calories look like my poverty diet :,( not much fun, or sustainable imo (in my opinion.)

    if the issue is wanting to lose weight while feeling full, then may I suggest chia seeds in fruit smoothies? my favorite is pineapple banana ginger with a dash of vanilla extract and stevia.

    best of wishes!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It difficult for someone like me who has the opposite problem to comment. I guess it’s the same really. I find dieting restrictive and I don’t want to give up what I want to eat. I do go to a support group and admit what I eat. I hope you find the strength to go to your therapy.

    Liked by 1 person

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