New Years Resolution

My rheumatologist has me on a gluten-free diet. I’ve decided for 2016 to take it one step further and just eliminate grains and starches from my diet.

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Laxative Sick

I took a ton of laxatives last night. More today. I’m very sick from them. Nauseous, stomach cramps, diarrhea, vomiting, sweating, chills, headache.

Why do I do this to myself?

Happy Holidays

News

Well, I didn’t go to DBT group or therapy this week. I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time going.

However, I do have some super exciting news! I’m officially going back to school! I’ve decided to go back to school for nursing. I’m all registered for classes for this upcoming spring semester.

Today’s the Day

Today is the day I’m going to try to not take any laxatives.

I’m nervous as hell about it. I’m anxious. I want to go take laxatives. I’ve actually considered calling my therapist and I don’t do phone calls.

The Challenge

I didn’t skip therapy today. I wanted to, but I didn’t. It went ok. She challenged me to pick one day this week to not use laxatives. I cried when I accepted, but I did accept.

I also saw my rheumatologist today. She’s pleased with my progress, with how the meds I’m on are helping my rheumatoid arthritis. She did suggest switching one to an injection, but is going to leave it as a pill for now. Thank goodness!! I also got labs done like every time I see her. I was stabbed in my arm, where they didn’t get anything, and then in my wrist, where they took several vials of blood. She also wants me back in physical therapy for my RA, which I look forward to. It’s like having a free (well, cheaper) personal trainer.

My laxative use has been on the rise lately, so it’s probably a good thing for me to take a day off this week. I’m just not looking forward to it.

Dreading

I’m already dreading therapy on Wednesday. Partly it’s because I haven’t done my homework or my diary card this last week and I didn’t even go to therapy or group last week. I want to just drop out of the group. I can’t believe I made a year-long commitment. I don’t know if I can make it. I don’t know if I can do this week, let alone a year.

I am dreading seeing my therapist. I am dreading doing another chain analysis. I am dreading telling her all the behaviors I’ve engaged in the last 2 weeks. I’m dreading her wanting me to change and me not wanting to. I am just dreading.

Flailing

I skipped therapy this morning. I would have just finished up my hour-long session. Why did I skip it? I’m not sure. I’m just having a hard time going lately. I didn’t want to face her. I didn’t want to do another chain analysis. I didn’t want to try to work through, again, why I’m not eating. It’s exhausting.

Lately I’ve been just not eating except maybe one meal a day. However, I want to be more intentional with my eating, so I’m going back to the Fix It Fast Diet. Therefore, today is a fasting day.

I feel like I’m floundering. The longer I do the DBT program, the more I hate it. It feels constricting. And they want me to change my eating behaviors and I’m not ready to. I don’t know anymore why I’m doing it. I want to quit. And I feel like my eating disorder is consuming me more and more, but I don’t want to give it up. I need it. I’m afraid of losing it.

DBT Skills Group Week 4: TIP

 

 

 

I didn’t actually go week 4, but I picked up the handouts last week so that I wouldn’t miss this skill. Now, I’m sharing it with you.