Yesterday, as you may know, was US Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is hard for people with eating disorders, and it was hard for me.
Don’t get me wrong, there were many things I enjoyed. Seeing my family. Playing with my niece and nephew. Playing board games together. Sitting around and talking together.
But there were things that were hard. The large amounts of food. Eating in front of a large group of people. Listening to my sisters and brother-in-law talk about their diets and weight loss efforts. Feeling watched and judged while I ate. Feeling absolutely stuck.
I didn’t purge yesterday, but I did use a boat load of laxatives yesterday and again today.
This morning I ate 3 pieces of pie for breakfast, followed by a handful of laxatives.
As I try to coerce two almost-two year olds to eat their dinner, I can’t help but feel like the hypocrite I am. I want them to eat, but refuse to myself. What a horrible aunt, what a terrible role model.
I’m fasting. I went to the doctor and he told me I need to lose weight. So, I will, the only way I know how.
I don’t know how long I’ll be fasting, but for now, indefinitely.
I didn’t used to be afraid of elevators. I used to enjoy when I had to take the elevator. It was like a mini theme park ride.
Today, I had to take an elevator. It filled me with fear.
I don’t think I mentioned in all the chaos that was going on while my dad was in the hospital (or maybe I did) that I got stuck in the hospital elevator on my last day there. The elevator fell several feet and then stopped, with me trapped inside. It terrified me. Mostly the fall. Now, I’m afraid every elevator is going to fall.
I spent my weekend with my brothers. For the most part, it was great. We play games, we drank vodka, we caroused, we enjoyed each other’s company. The was only one down side.
As you may know, I was on a restrictive diet when I left for the weekend. While drunk, I ended up eating. I woke up the next morning, remembered eating a sandwich, and was suddenly filled with dark suicidal thoughts. You don’t know regret until your regret comes with the knowledge that you need and deserve to be dead because of the mistake you made.
Luckily the suicidal thoughts only lasted an hour or so, but it was a rough morning.
So, tomorrow, I am starting the diet over and it will be a fasting day.
Last night I bought some spiced apple cider last night. Today is day 4, so I am having 300 calories today. Theoretically.
The cider is 130 calories for a cup. I can have 2 cups for 260 calories, or I can have one cup for 130 calories and a 170 calorie salad. I’m not sure yet which I’ll do.
Sorry for my silly doodles, I get bored.
This pro/con chart was filled out using a made-up example we were given in the group. Yours will look different based on what scenario you’re charting.
Here are this week’s handouts. Yesterday we learned about STOP.
Take a step back
We also learned about what Crisis Survival Skills are and when you should use them. STOP is just one Crisis Survival Skill, and so far the only one I know.
I tried using STOP yesterday when I was having an anxiety attack over being in the car (being on the freeway, especially, terrifies me) but it didn’t work. However, that may just be because I’m not practiced in it yet. Or, maybe it’s the wrong skill for the situation. I don’t know. But the important part is that I tried it.
I had worried about sharing my DBT handouts on my blog. I worried my audience would find it boring. However, I received a very heartwarming email thanking me for sharing them, so I’ve decided to continue for now. My hope is that they find someone who need the skills but doesn’t have a DBT program in their area.
But please, do let me knwo what you think of me sharing, whether you like it or not. If you aren’t interested in reading my DBT handouts each week, I might just start a new blog for them. However, I kind of want to keep it here as it’s all part of my eating disorder recovery journey, which is what this blog is about. So feel free to weigh in either way!
It’s Day 3, so 250 calories. Today for lunch, I’m going to eat a salad. The salad dressing and cheese will bring me right up to 250 calories.
This morning in therapy we did a chain analysis on my restricting. I started crying when we figured out that that I’m restricting because, since I can’t purge right now, the calories scare me and I just can’t handle them right now. I think I cried because of how much calories are scaring me right now. I just can’t do them. It’s too overwhelming. My therapist recognized that and didn’t make me commit to eating more. She did give me skills to use if I felt like I could handle trying to eat. We’ll see. Right now I just can’t.
Day 2, 200 calories. I found a Luna Bar in my purse that my sister gave me yesterday. It’s 190 calories. That’s my food for today. I’m going to eat half for lunch, half for dinner.
This is my 600th post!! Crazy!
This comic has nothing to do with this post.
I planned to fast today. I did, until dinner. Then, my parents insisted on buying me dinner and watching me eat it. I couldn’t think of a good excuse not to, since I’m “recovered”. So I ate it, then purged.
I had planned not to purge during the 3 weeks until I go back to see my surgeon about how my nose is healing, but that obviously didn’t happen. So not only did I eat today, I purged. But I couldn’t eat on a fasting day and NOT purge.
All I can think of is how I’ve doubly failed. I am twice the failure.