As you may remember, a few days ago, I bought the first pants I’ve owned in years. Not only were they pants, they were skinny jeans. Well, I wore them. I wore them in my home first. Then I wore them in public. And I found I like them. I liked wearing pants. They are comfortable and easy and casual and I just like them. So today, while I was out, I bought more pants! However, today, I bought *GASP* jeggings!! I thought, “I bought skinny jeans and loved them, the next logical step is jeggings.”
Yeah, I do NOT like them. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they are comfortable. They are like not wearing pants at all. Therein lies the problem. I feel sooo self-conscious in them. At least in the jeans I felt like I was wearing clothes. The jeggings feel like I’m wearing nothing, like I’m walking around without clothing on my bottom half. I feel indecent! Maybe it’s a feeling I’ll get used to, but I can’t see myself wearing them out of the house at this point. I would be so self-conscious, more so than normal, and that’s saying a lot.
After binging and purging for a couple hours, I decided today needed a do-over, and I went back to bed and slept for two more hours. I woke up less teary and less grumpy and less wanting to binge and purge, and more wanting to knit and play video games simultaneously (hard).
I might run errands this afternoon. I need to pick up my half-functioning bipolar medication at least. I am working on a couple knitting projects that I will probably work on today.
I also got a call from my rheumatologist. She said it sounds like the rashes on my hands are from my immune deficiencies and that there’s not much they can do about them, but she wants to see them in person, so there’s that.
I also left the pro-ana Facebook group. I feel good about that. Relieved, I think.
So while today started on a bad note, it’s looking up and hopefully it’ll end up being productive and positive.
I got up at 6am to binge and purge. An hour and a half later and I’m still going strong.
I cried myself to sleep missing my sister. I woke up crying and grumpy and just out of sorts. I guess my solution was to binge and purge until I’m numb. I’m not numb yet.