Operation: Don’t Keep Anything In


Apparently today I decided that I’m not keeping anything down, that everything must be purged. I don’t know what happened, it was like something clicked off in my brain and suddenly I needed to purge everything I eat.

Maybe it has something to do with the pro-ana group I was added to yesterday. “What?” you ask. Yes, a friend, and someone I went through residential treatment with for several months back about 5 years ago, she made a pro-ana group on Facebook and added a bunch of people we went through treatment with, and then some of her friends. I was shocked. The only eating disorder related posts I ever make on Facebook are recovery-focused. I have never posted anything that might indicate I am pro-ana. There’s a reason. I am not pro-ana.

I know I am not always actively working toward recovery, but I don’t want people actively living in their eating disorders either. I will always advise that you seek help, because whether I’m in the mindset to do it myself or not, I always believe that’s the best option.

So here I was, minding my own business, when I get the notification “So-and-so has added you to the closed group pro-ana”. I went into a state of shock for quite a while. I didn’t know what to do or how to respond. I haven’t left the group. It’s like that car crash you can’t look away from. I know I should leave it, but I am curious as to what kind of posts it will elicit. However, I know it’s having a negative effect on me. The group information basically says “it’s ok to engage in your eating disorder” and that it NOT what I need to hear right now.

Clearly, my brain was listening, though, because it decided that nothing stays down.


18 responses »

  1. Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry to hear this. You have to leave that group, honey. It’ll only send you down the road of disaster. It actually makes sense to me that your “brain was listening, though, because it decided that nothing stays down.” Even subconsciously, it might be easier for you to accept an idea that your eating disorder is good, because you’ve spent so long with it, already. I mean, I know absolutely nothing about you. This is literally the first post of yours I’ve read. But this is what I’m guessing.

    But I do know you need to leave that group, sweetie. I know exactly what you mean. It’s the same with me and those haters on Youtube I talked about in my post. Like the car crash you can’t look away from. But you have to. It’ll only hurt you more to keep with it. <33

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve had a rough week of behaviors too. Number one, leave that group, but before you do I would recommend writing an epistle about how everyone there is worth their recovery. That everyone there is worthy of food and nourishment. I can’t say I don’t understand the pull to give into an ED, but in that moment we give in, the self hatred cycle continues, driving us to madness.

    Liked by 2 people

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