Like a switch

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So you may know by now that I have bipolar 2. You may also know that it’s not well controlled because I can’t get in to see a psychiatrist at the mental health clinic where I am seen for…mental health…and I need my meds adjusted.

Lately, I have been listless and apathetic. Completely devoid of any motivation and any desire to do anything. I lost all interest in everything. I couldn’t even knit anymore. I was sleeping 12 hours at night and taking naps during the day and was still tired all the time.

Then, yesterday, it happened. Like flipping a light switch. I had energy!! I had motivation! I was determined to get. shit. done. I cleaned the whole house yesterday. (Yes, before the planned binge and purge that I wrote about.) I felt so accomplished! I went to bed at my normal time last night, but didn’t sleep. NO! My mind raced around and round. My legs wouldn’t hold still. I was still a bundle of energy. After trying for 3 hours to sleep, I got up and filled out paperwork for the ENT I’m seeing today. Then I ate ice cream and purged that. Then I went back to bed. I didn’t try to sleep, though. I just lay there and used my phone and watched Netflix until sometime early in the morning.

I woke up at 6am ready to start the day! I want to do stuff! I want to pack. I want to clean. I want to bake! I want to knit 15 scarves! My body almost aches with energy!

19 responses »

  1. I’ve spent ages being told by psychiatrists that I feel differently to others (I refused to believe that I was ill for a very long time) so I always find it amazing when someone else manages to describe *exactly* the way I’ve felt sometimes… Thanks ❤

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  2. I don’t have bipolar, at least I don’t think I do and I’ve never been diagnosed, at least not this week…but I agree that you described just how my brain and body work. I haven’t had that spurt of energy since cleaning out my house a couple of months ago. I think it feels so good to finally have the energy to get things done and accomplished instead of feeling guilty about all the things I can’t seem to make myself do. Some days, actually most, I can barely lift my legs and arms because they feel so heavy and I feel so heavy and tired and ughhh, depression sucks the life right of me! Glad your feeling chipper lol

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  3. I get like that too 🙂 I’ll go for a little while where I’m so focused on life and things I’m working on that the house falls into shambles. Then suddenly I snap back and see the mess and I can’t focus on anything BUT the mess. That’s when it begins, ALL THE THINGS EVERYWHERE MUST BE CLEANED. Then it is perfect and pristine. And slowly over the next few weeks I stop paying attention to putting things away and cleaning up after myself and instead focus on the things I’m working on and life… so the house falls into shambles (and the cycle continues….)

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  4. That’s mostly how I end up feeling. Even WITH meds. Though, cleaning? No. I have problems just going and cleaning. My house is a mess. :/ I lose motivation to do things all the time. It’s usually about the time I get orders on etsy. Then I get motivation and have to make EVERYTHING, usually around 4 in the morning. Insomnia is GREAT for getting stuff done. But then I’m BEAT the next day. Coffee is my friend. I hope you can get your meds fixed up soon. And you’re not stuck with a handful multiple times a day like me.

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  5. Your acceptance and awareness of your behavior is beautiful. These burdens you carry have gifts in them, even if it does not seem that way now, eventually, I hope you will see how truly strong, courageous and beautiful you are and how they made you that way. I have found insomnia to be a productive use of time in letting my mind roam without interruption, I solve a lot of issues in the wee hours. You’re also a good writer.

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  6. I have a switch that flips too. It usually flips during the night and I wake up feeling different. I have lived in major depression 20 years and the switch doesn’t bring on manic energy, it snaps me out of the dark suicidal state I was in and I’m left in a daze trying to pick of the peices of my wrecked life yet again before the switch flips back.

    Hope you can get to your psychiatrist soon.
    Sending you peace and a hug.
    donna marie

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Come to my house! Clean all MY things! Mow my lawn! haha Just kidding – I know there are days I can’t peel my backside off the recliner, and other days I ride 20 miles on the bike after running a bunch of chores. Wish I could bottle some energy and save it for the meh days….

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