The planning of a binge

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Sometimes, binges happen unexpectedly. I suddenly feel the need to eat and then I just don’t stop.

Other times, they are planned. I want to binge. I plan it out. I plan what I will binge on and when I will binge. Tonight is one of those planned binges. I wanted to binge and purge, felt the need to binge and purge, so I planned one. I went on Pizza Hut’s website and ordered food. A lot of food. Now I am waiting for it. Calmly. Serenely. I will do what I need to do and then I will get rid of it, and I will feel good about it. Because I chose to do it instead of doing it frantically or out of control. I am in control this time. I win.

19 responses »

  1. Will you really feel good about it though? Honestly? Deep in your soul do you honestly believe you are going to feel good about this? Something to think about. I used to binge and purge myself, ten years ago now, and though im not you, I understand to an extent what you are feeling and thinking. I remember one day going to kfc,mcdonalds, a shop to get icecream, the supermarket for chocolate, and I was high, excited, and then it was okay, cos tomorrow I was going to go back to starving. Im sorry, this might not be a helpful comment. I hope your pizza is nice 😦

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  2. It’s been a long time for me as well but I used to have planned out binges and purges and I was also in control because I chose to eat and to throw up and to take lax after that…just in case. And now I choose not to do that. And I know you know the truth and what you need to do. And when you are ready you will do it…

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  3. I am sorry that you are in this place. I have spent years of my life planning binges. The planning always sent me into a state of serenity knowing that oblivion was coming soon. I wish you some relief from this cycle and in the meantime, please try to take of yourself a little bit, just for those of us that care!

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  4. I too would plan to binge sometimes, and it always made me feel more in control than when it was spontaneous. Sometimes I would plan weeks ahead for when I knew I would be alone. I thought as binges go they were ‘better’ than the out-of-control ones but after reading the others’ comments now I’m not so sure. If I were really in control surely I would choose not to binge? Thanks for bringing up this issues (and thank you to the other commenters!) – it’s got me thinking.

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  5. I frantically plan them…. as I sit at my desk thinking of ALL the places I can stop on the way home. Then the drive home is incredibly hard. Food sitting in my passenger seat. And now there’s chefshuttle… it’s so dangerous. Even as I plan them… they are frantic. There is NO serenely waiting…. I hate it.

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  6. I see you filed this as bulimia recovery… I hope you achieve your recovery friend. I’ve been there myself but somehow, without meds and therapy, it was a short lived moment in my life. I often say an eating disorder can be worse than most other addiction as one cannot avoid food like you can with drugs and booze. I think I “cured” myself when I did a full 180 and stopped smoking, started going to gym (this helps with the guilt of binging). I also became a strict vegetarian and stayed away from the addictive foods i.e sugar (in all its forms including bread and alcohol). It wasn’t easy for a long time but the results were very rewarding. I’m not saying a food addiction can be cured, but it does ease over time if you just stick to it, and you definitely have to be more creative in the kitchen when it comes to preparing a tasty and filling healthy meal, you may even find yourself enjoying healthy food more than take out etc. I actually gag when

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  7. Eating disorders are hard. It is never good to binge and purge, even if you plan it out. I definitely usually plan my binges too, however, and find it hard to get over the habit. Especially when I feel at my wit’s end and frayed around the edges. It’s a way to prove I’m in control? I have no idea. :-\

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  8. Honey, you have an eating disorder. So whenever you binge you feed the mental illness. One thing I learned is that sometimes we don’t binge, we just eat a lot. Because we are hungry. If you want to be in control stop binging, and eat. If you are hungry eat more. Don’t make it negative. If you are sad, try and do other things than overeat, like taking a shower, you just gotta make sure if you really are hungry or not. And once again, I know it isn’t simple, because I really know how you feel, and it takes a lot, but fight and stay strong! And I actually don’t like saying “it happens to all of us”, because then we minimize the problem. Instead I wanna say, you have an eating disorder, you have a problem, and a problem can always be solved. And that’s what we want. To solve this. Good luck.
    All the best
    – R

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Food issues are deceptive. It can be like balancing an expensive glass vase on the edge of a cliff on a windy day – your life becomes waiting for the gust to push it over the edge and smash it on the rocks below.

    When you plan a binge, you reduce the anxiety. Not because you saved the vase – but because you were tired of waiting for the wind and kicked it over yourself.

    You took control of what you felt was inevitable.

    But you have a finite number of vases. Today, a new one is perched on the edge of the cliff. It’s riskier to go out to the edge yourself and pull it back in, but if you keep kicking it over, you’ll run out of vases.

    Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I have Binge Eating Disorder. I never plan to binge it just happens suddenly and then I live with the shame of it until it happens again. My therapist told me that the worst people I can be friends with were those who had eating disorders, but I think she’s just worried.

    I would clap my hands at the control you had, I never have that kind of control. But I really just want to wrap you in a big sparkly hug and tell you I think, from everything I’ve read I think you are perfect just the way you are

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