Trying not to slide


I didn’t throw away the laxatives. I took some last night. And some more this morning. More this afternoon. Again just now. Yeah, that escalated quickly.

Right after I finished taking the last batch, I saw on Facebook that a friend is going back to eating disorder treatment. Instead of (just) being worried about her, my mind began to play the “I’m not sick enough” tape. The “if I up the amount of laxatives and start purging again, I can be sick enough again” tape. The “why did you stop in the first place, you idiot??” tape. The “your friend is better than you because she needs treatment again already” tape. On and on and on, my mind plays them.

13 responses »

  1. (((hugs))) Curse Facebook…you’re not an idiot but don’t be fooled by those automatic thoughts…I know this may sound weird but when I start getting thoughts like that I try ( try) to stop for a minute and start thinking the total opposite….it sometimes turns into an argument lol if you picture the thoughts as tapes you could always try and imagine taking that tape out and replacing it with something you want to hear 🙂

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  2. I’m 42 years old. I spent more than 15 years starving myself and abusing laxatives. My body is a mess. There are times when I can’t go to the bathroom for 3 or 4 weeks. When I can finally go, I bleed. If only I had known someone that could’ve told me these things. Sweetie, you are going to mess up your body forever. I cannot lose weight now. I can NOT eat for 5 days and actually gain weight. I wish you would read my book. I so totally understand what you’re going through, and I don’t want to sound mean, but you’ve got to stop. Please reach out to me at any time. You can email me at You NEED to read my book. I will give it to you for free if you promise to read it. You CAN do this. Stay strong. ❤ ❤


  3. I know the feeling of comparing to other people. I will be thinking of you and hope that you find a surrender that allows you to stop engaging in the ED behavior and become the person you want to be, and know that you can be. xo

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  4. This may sound trite. But looking at your picture try and gain perspective when that voice nags.
    Imagine you are that even older you and you are stuck in chair etc, what would you tell yourself that you wished you had done differently, or that you did more of etc. I would personally tell myself stop worrying about it all.
    Try and focus and block that voice.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You’ve read my blog and I think you get that sick enough is only something we create in our own mind. I’ve never been sick enough or thin enough or PTSD enough or anything enough. Yet really I know when I’m sick and when my ED was out of control. My step mom told me I just looked like Kelly Rippa and I won’t even tell you what I weighed and I was abusing laxatives and so many other things. And Kelly Rippa was maybe busy with a personal trainer and healthy. But what do I know. But comparatively speaking that wasn’t helpful for me. And I don’t know if it’s part of ED nature to prove that we are ill, to have to visibly show our pain as if it otherwise doesn’t count. I am just rambling but you are not back at square one (and neither am I) and we can choose to stay in our misery or be motivated and move forward. The choice is ours and only we can choose to see the beauty in the mountains.

    Liked by 1 person

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