I didn’t throw away the laxatives. I took some last night. And some more this morning. More this afternoon. Again just now. Yeah, that escalated quickly.
Right after I finished taking the last batch, I saw on Facebook that a friend is going back to eating disorder treatment. Instead of (just) being worried about her, my mind began to play the “I’m not sick enough” tape. The “if I up the amount of laxatives and start purging again, I can be sick enough again” tape. The “why did you stop in the first place, you idiot??” tape. The “your friend is better than you because she needs treatment again already” tape. On and on and on, my mind plays them.