Sep5

Growing lax, a little scared

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One day last week I was having a very rough day and I made a stupid decision. I ordered laxatives online. I can’t go into a store and buy them because I don’t have a car, so at the moment, whenever I go to the store, it’s with my dad, and he sticks pretty close. (I honestly think he’s scared of me buying laxatives because I’ve been in the ER several times due to them in the last year.) So, I ordered some online.

However, the next day, I came to my senses. I knew that’s not the road I want to go back down, so I went to the website I ordered from and canceled the order. I wasn’t charged for my order as it hadn’t shipped yet. I felt relieved. I had managed to counteract my bad decision.

Then, Tuesday, when I was over at my brothers’ place, I got a notification that my package had been delivered. What?? I canceled that! I double checked my account. Nope, I was never charged. I texted home and asked if I had a package. Yep, I did. Well, shit. What now? I thought about it the whole time I was gone. It was just sitting at home. What if someone found out I was ordering laxatives??

When I finally got home, I whisked it away to my room, but I didn’t open it. It’s still sitting in my room, unopened. I’m scared to open it, and scared to throw it away. A part of me sooo wants to open it and start using laxatives again. I miss them. Part of me likes being more healthy and doesn’t want to be sick all the time, which I will be if I start using them again. Yet, I can’t get myself to throw them away. It feels like an opportunity lost to do so, and I just can’t bring myself to do it.

And so, they remain, unopened, taunting me.

41 responses »

  4. Obviously I think you should bin them-but that’s easier said than done. You were never supposed to receive them anyway-if things had gone to plan, they wouldn’t be there today. So trust your instincts and please try not to take them! 🙂 x

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  7. You’ve already made your intent clear, you don’t want them. So, what do we do with things we don’t want or need? Go on, get rid of them, you’ve already said no by not opening them as soon as you got home. Well done. 😀

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  12. I agree with those who said go ahead and toss them..One said you did not open them, so that was already a step in the right direction..Keep moving forward and don’t look back…I know it is scary…believe me, when it comes to doing something that is good for you it is harder than doing what is easy. But You have our support…You will feel worse, both physically and you will be down on yourself mentally….You don’t need that on top of everything else…YOU CAN DO IT! And you are being Heard!!!!

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  13. Oh my goodness like what were the chances of that happening?! Sometimes just knowing you have something eases your mind and other times it calls you. I found lax 8 months after I stopped taking them and promptly threw them out. No desire to eve take them again. That being said, lax are Evil. And they make you more than ill. I know that delightful empty feeling and thinking you never have to eat again and you feel so clean after the dirtiness leaves. And I know just about everything lax related and I will never take them again. I got to the point where I just violently threw up from them. My body rejected them and me and I always looked dehydrated and like death warmed over. And did I mention that lax are just bad.

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  15. Wow, this is amazing. Ambivalence girl’s comments shed light that really gave a strong visual especially to someone who has never suffered nor personally known anyone to suffer from this. Dearest a2e, I pray your suffering (as well as anyone reading this for whom it fits) will end favorably and soon. Light and Love, Shona

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  16. Little by little healing comes. I encourage you to read Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés it is cheap, about 10 bucks on bookdepository.com it makes sense of the inner story clothed by the outer diagnosis. You are doing so well. A big hug

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  17. Would it be too tempting to hold them in the box left taped up as a reminder that you do not need them but as a comfort?

    I know that sounds SO weird, but for me I buy food I won’t eat and it sits next to me. I never intend to eat it but having it next to me eases anxiety and provides me comfort. It’s a compulsion thing. So having a box of candy makes me stronger because it’s mine and it just sits there, never to be eaten.

    If it would provide you emotional support to stay strong then do that. If not, pay it forward–donate them to a hospital or clinic.

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  18. Take them to Post and say you’re refusing the package. They’ll return to sender at no cost to you. You *could* donate them to a hospital or clinic, but they’ll just toss them. I’m pretty sure, here in the US, they can’t legally use donated medicines on patients, nor can they give them to patients. Whether or not the package has that seal on it, it may have been tampered with, etc etc. At least in a private doctor’s office they can’t. Any medicines distributed must have come from a drug representative, or straight from a drug company/pharmacy.

    Returning them may get them disposed of (hopefully in a safe manner), taking them to a pharmacy or clinic should get them disposed of safely, but don’t bin/flush them yourself. And please don’t just keep the box for “comfort.” That’s not healthy. It’s asking for an excuse to slip up. Aaand this is way too preachy. I don’t mean to be. Sorry. Meh. Do whatever makes YOU feel better. Best luck. 🙂

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  20. I don’t have any experience with eating disorders, but I came to your blog because you liked a post on my blog (thank you by the way). I’m glad I found this post of yours. Like I said, I don’t have experience with eating disorders, but I did spend a good portion of my college years dealing with my depression through cutting my arms. I felt the same way about the razors I used as I’m sure you feel about these laxatives. I know it’s not easy, I know it’s a constant temptation, but I also know that it will get better. Please believe that, it will get better, and it will stay better. Even though I haven’t cut myself in over 10 years, I still think about what my arms looked like from time to time, and while it doesn’t make me want to pick up a razor again, I can still remember the comfort I felt after I used the razors. I don’t think this disorder is something you will ever forget, and I think that’s o.k. I look forward to reading more of your blog. Best wishes to you.

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  21. Definitely get rid of them. Look forward not back. They are in your past and you don’t want them in your future. You’ve managed to stop taking them so you possess the strength to live without this negative habit. Hopefully you’ve already dealt with this but if not stay strong and don’t hesitate any more. xx

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  22. Having them there just waiting to jump into your hand at your weakest moment isn’t a good idea. They are sneaky like that you know. They kick a girl when she’s down. If they are gone then you won’t have to listen to them anymore.. they won’t stop calling if you don’t get rid of them.
    Look in the mirror, start telling yourself all the wonderful things you CAN do and WILL do to get better.. then get up and flush them.. don’t bin them. I’ve been there, midnight strolls to the curbside to fetch them again.. the bin doesn’t work…

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