How to deal with being ok?

The last few days I’ve been pretty stable. My mood has been pretty alright, I haven’t been up or down, I haven’t been depressed or manic, I haven’t been suicidal or making impulsive (read stupid) decisions, I’ve been ok. And frankly, it’s freaking me out.

I just don’t know how to deal with being “normal” or steady or okay. I am so used to being sick and broken and in crisis that being stable feels so foreign it feels wrong. I feel like I need to do something. Like I need to be sick again so I need to do something drastic that will prove that no, really, I am still struggling. Steady scares me. Okay makes me anxious.

I don’t know how long this period of stability will last, but I’m trying to learn to handle it. To not let the uncomfortableness with the newness of it cause me to make any poor decisions. I’m trying to learn how to deal with just being ok without letting it push me back to the sickness I’m trying so hard to recovery from.

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Day 3 of Shakes and Smoothies

I’m on day 3 of my week of smoothies and shakes. I’m down 3 pounds and I feel great. My energy is high, I haven’t been binging, I like it. I do admit, I miss food. I think it wouldn’t be so bad if I were replacing only 1 of my meals instead of 2 of my meals per day, but I think this is essential right now for helping me curb the binges.

I have several flavors of Shakeology shakes from the samples I got. I admit, I didn’t like the first 2 flavors I tried. I drank them anyway because those were my allotted meals for those days, but it was hard getting them down. Today, I had the vanilla, which was much better. Then, I had the idea to put it in the blender with some ice and peanut butter and OH. MY. WORD. It was sooo delicious! It was like a peanut butter ice cream shake. That I got to eat for lunch! Tonight, Strawberry, kiwi, yogurt smoothie for dinner. And, of course, my workout routine somewhere in there.

Smoothies and Shakes

For the next week, 2 of my meals per day will be smoothies and shakes. I was already having a fruit and yogurt smoothie for lunch each day. Now I’ve incorporated Shakeology shakes. I got samples from a friend-of-a-friend who sells them. I have a week’s worth. They claim to give you energy and reduce cravings, so I’ll probably have them for lunch instead and have my smoothie for dinner.

I’m excited for this. Maybe this is the change I need to finally get that scale moving again.

How Adorable?

I finally finished my niece’s scarf, so I have a complete set. A toddler-sized hat and scarf each for my 18 month old niece and nephew. I can’t wait until they’re back from visiting my brother-in-law’s family so I can try them on the twins!

I was supposed to meet with my therapist today, but she called out sick this morning. I was out most of the day anyway running errands.

Today I had frozen yogurt. The last time I had it, I cried. I did a lot better this time, even though I did go and work out directly after eating it. I don’t know why certain foods freak me out more than others.

Someone has been showing interest in me the last few days and it’s been scaring me. I don’t know how to handle the romantic interest he’s showing. I just want to push him away, but a little part of me wants to be ok with it so I haven’t told him to back off. Plus, I just don’t know how to respond. I think part of me is scared to make him mad by saying no. I know that’s probably not a good thing, but it’s true.

Today I…

I don’t actually have a drivers license. Yes, I’m 31 and have no license. Driving just makes me so anxious that I usually avoid it and have done so for 15 years. However, I recognize that I need my license for independence purposes, so today, I went driving. I drove around suburbs and quiet neighborhoods for about an hour. Next time, I might get out onto some main streets. I hope to be ready to pass my driving test within the next couple months.

I also worked a lot on my niece’s scarf, which is good because I’ve been so depressed lately that I haven’t been knitting and hardly anything has gotten done on it. I’ve made it to almost 2 feet now, so that’s wonderful! I need to have it finished by the 22nd when my sister gets back.

And I, of course, worked out. Food intake was pretty good today. I think it was pretty close to what a “normal” person would eat. I’m trying to curb the binging and restricting.

I also developed a fever. My rheumatologist told me this is a side effect of the rheumatoid arthritis. I took a nap for a couple hours and felt a little better after.

Also, this is my 500th post.

I’ve Succeeded?

 

I don’t know how to feel right now. Part of me feels like I’ve succeeded. Part of me feels like a big, fat, disgusting failure.

Why?

Well, I’ve been really struggling the last couple days and I’ve been eating A LOT to cope and luckily I’ve been working out enough that it’s not messing with my weight, but I still feel like a fat, lazy slob for eating so much. Because I’ve been eating so much, I got it in my head to eat everything in the house that’s mine except my smoothie foods so that I’m not left with the option to binge, and at least if I try, it’s on frozen fruit and not on starches. Just now, I finished the last of my non-smoothie food. So I succeeded, after a sort…

Now to go work it off.

New blender!

I bought a new blender. My last one stopped working. I bought the exact same blender…but I had the last one for a year and a half before it stopped working and it was less than $15 and the top turns into a glass to drink from, so it seemed like a good buy. It’s nice to have a blender again.

On a related note, I learned I’m allergic to blackberries.

This is why

“This is why,“ I think to myself as I take another bite of pasta. “This is why you can’t lose any weight despite hours of exercise each day.”

This is how I deal with stress, with disappointment, with not knowing what to do. I eat and I exercise. I used to purge, but I haven’t done much of that since leaving treatment a month ago. Now I just kill myself on my bike. Which I did, right before eating the pasta.

I was supposed to go car shopping today, but due to a series of events, was unable to. That’s the 4th time in a row. I’m beginning to think I will never be able to buy a car. All I want is a little independence. All I want is to be able to get around when my fibromyalgia is acting up. All I want is stability. All I want is freedom.

All I get is disappointment. So, all I do is exercise and eat. It’s better than the alternative, I suppose. I really wanted to cut, but I worked out and ate pasta instead. It’s “safer” at the very least, I’m told. Better to kill myself slowly with bulimia than to slice open my veins, they tell me.

Just once, I want something to go right.

Life after Treatment

In treatment, you (hopefully) come out of your eating disorder enough that you’re able to see a different way of living. A better way of living. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always mean that you’re able to pull yourself out of the eating disorder. The quote above is from an anime I’m watching (Psycho-Pass, if you’re interested) and it struck me that this is how it is for me post-treatment. I have this obsession, and my mind tells me there’s a wiser, a better way to live, but I can’t seem to turn my back on this obsession.

My mom and me

I watched a documentary once about eating disorders and there was a teenage girl who talked about engaging in disordered behavior with her mom, how it was just normal for her.

It wasn’t until then I began to question my mother’s and my joint relationship with food.

Just now, my mom and I ate a double batch of rice krispy treats. Yes, we ate the whole thing. While watching Gilmore Girls. This kind of thing is normal for us. Sometimes I think my mom should go in for eating disorder treatment too.