Malcontent

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My discontent with life is growing more each day. I hate myself, I hate my body, and I wish more than anything I could crawl out of my body. My skin crawls. I feel uncomfortable in it. It literally hurts just being in my own body because of how uncomfortable it makes me. I claw at it, wishing I could cut it off. I’ve considered it. I’ve held the blade to my skin. I just lack the resolve. I lack the courage.

I long to be a mother. It’s something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. I have always been around children, worked with children, nannied. It’s not enough. I desperately want a child of my own. Yet, I know I can’t support one right now, so I don’t have any children. The timing has never “been right”.  I cry sometimes because of my longing for motherhood.

I want to be self-sufficient and independent. I want to live on my own. I am too sick to work and I don’t make enough on disability to live on my own.

Thing after thing that I lack just builds in front of my eyes until it’s all I can see and I drown in the weight of it all.

20 responses »

  1. The timing is never right for kiddies, believe me. In fact, I believe a child might help you regain care of your body, if anything as you’ll be forced for the baby’s sake. You’ll love yourself more as you are the vessel carrying the baby, and if you love the baby you’ll have to love yourself: it will help you see yourself from the outside. The time will come, you’ll see xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know how you feel! But I think it is a good things to have dreams!! Use them as motivation!! You want children, then fight!! Fight to get well enough to have the energy to raising children! It isn’t easy, it’s not a fight, it’s a battle, and there is setbacks, and win, but in the longer picture you will get a win!! I hope from the bottom of my heart that you will win this battle and that your dreams will come true ❤
    – R

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Hey there, I know how it feels when you feel like you’re in the wrong body. I feel the same way too at times. It’s definitely not easy, I’ve been fat most of my life anyways. I’m sure when the time is right, you’ll be a wonderful mother. Hang in there ok? I’m sending you my love!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so sorry! I know the feeling, though. I always end up pinching and grabbing at my skin and fat. I used to cut my thighs and inner armpits to get rid of it.

    I also have always been around kids. But the thought of being pregnant scares me too much. That’s where I am right now.

    Can you get an anxiety animal? Maybe that might help a bit?

    Like

  5. Your raw honesty is powerfully moving. Thank you for having the courage to share your journey with the world. I just wanted to say that the feelings of self-loathing you describe definitely struck a nerve with me. Your words could’ve been mine a year ago. I still have days that I struggle with thoughts of how I’m so pathetic because I’m not “self-sufficient.” I strongly suspect that you are far more courageous than you give yourself credit for. The simple fact that you continue to struggle (openly, no less), rather than giving up, is a testament to that! Also, thank you for reading my blog. I’m sending positive, courageous thoughts your way!

    Like

  6. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell youthat it is all going to be ok. And then the logical part of me wants to slap myself in the face and tell me not to lie. I can’t tell you it’s going to be ok, I can’t tell it’s going to be ok, I can’t tell you that things will get better because it is not in my pantheon to do so or to lie. I can tell you that you CAN do it and I BELIEVE in you. And if you need a hand to hold, or a boost, or someone to vent to….I am here

    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Motherhood is what made me finally kick the habit of purging. Not saying that you need to become a mother to kick the habit! But what I could not do for myself, I was able to do for someone else. I kept thinking of my oldest little girl (then a newborn) growing up without me, made me finally say “Enough!”
    I see the hope in your post. It’s so good that you are discontent! That helps breed desire and courage to change. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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