How to deal with being ok?

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The last few days I’ve been pretty stable. My mood has been pretty alright, I haven’t been up or down, I haven’t been depressed or manic, I haven’t been suicidal or making impulsive (read stupid) decisions, I’ve been ok. And frankly, it’s freaking me out.

I just don’t know how to deal with being “normal” or steady or okay. I am so used to being sick and broken and in crisis that being stable feels so foreign it feels wrong. I feel like I need to do something. Like I need to be sick again so I need to do something drastic that will prove that no, really, I am still struggling. Steady scares me. Okay makes me anxious.

I don’t know how long this period of stability will last, but I’m trying to learn to handle it. To not let the uncomfortableness with the newness of it cause me to make any poor decisions. I’m trying to learn how to deal with just being ok without letting it push me back to the sickness I’m trying so hard to recovery from.

18 responses »

  1. Celebrate! Since knitting is helping you cope, how about knitting something (that isn’t clothing) to celebrate? Mp3/Smartphone holder? Bottle cozy for your workout water bottles? Little stuffed toy mascot?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can really relate to this, and I’m really happy that you are sharing this, when this pain has been there as long as one can remember and it’s hard to let go! But see it like having a big pimple for a long time and then finally it’s calmed down for now! Enjoy it, you deserve it!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Normalcy is like dieting: it’s not instantaneous and numbers lie. Well, numbers don’t actually lie but they say way too many truths and you have to pick one, but that’s beside the point. It’s baby steps and patience and a lot of talking to yourself (which isn’t a form of insanity) to try and keep encouraged.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow. You described that perfectly. I have those same conflicting emotions all. the. time. I hope you can find a way to learn to accept that it’s okay to feel ‘okay’. I’m cheering for you.. ā¤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think I’ve been in a similar spot, of wanting — of all things– to be sick again, in order to prove we’re struggling, to prove we need help; to make sure we get support and people don’t think “oh, you’re back to normal” and back off. Sometimes being sick becomes too much a part of who we are.

    Be you. Believe in the okay you.

    Liked by 1 person

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