Deliciousness for dinner

I’m so excited my shakes came in today! They weren’t supposed to be here until tomorrow, but you won’t hear me complaining!!

After having Shakeology for a week with the samples I got, I found myself craving them after I ran out. My body just doesn’t get that kind of rich nutrition when I don’t have them. I’m so relieved to have them again. So, of course, for dinner I’m having some Shakeology!

I’m also excited to start Cize. I tried some of the previews for it and it really showed me how uncoordinated I am, but it was also very fun and kicked my butt, so I’m looking forward to adding it to my workout routine.

I also got together with my sisters and mom today for some girl time. We did gel manis and played with my niece and nephew and just hung out. It was fun. On the agenda for today: cycling, Cize, don’t binge.

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It’s here!

My shakes and new exercise regimen have arrived! I’m so excited!!

You burn more calories when you have a fever, I just read

I just read an article that explained the science behind how you burn more calories when you have a fever. I get fevers frequently due to my rheumatoid arthritis. I wish this translated into tangible, visible weight loss.

Malcontent

My discontent with life is growing more each day. I hate myself, I hate my body, and I wish more than anything I could crawl out of my body. My skin crawls. I feel uncomfortable in it. It literally hurts just being in my own body because of how uncomfortable it makes me. I claw at it, wishing I could cut it off. I’ve considered it. I’ve held the blade to my skin. I just lack the resolve. I lack the courage.

I long to be a mother. It’s something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. I have always been around children, worked with children, nannied. It’s not enough. I desperately want a child of my own. Yet, I know I can’t support one right now, so I don’t have any children. The timing has never “been right”.  I cry sometimes because of my longing for motherhood.

I want to be self-sufficient and independent. I want to live on my own. I am too sick to work and I don’t make enough on disability to live on my own.

Thing after thing that I lack just builds in front of my eyes until it’s all I can see and I drown in the weight of it all.

Faith Healing

I would always hear those stories about a couple whose child died because the child was sick and the couple refused to take their child to the doctor because they believed God would heal their child. They refused to believe that God could bring healing through the doctor or modern medicine, it had to come through a narrow predetermined way they had chosen to believe in and were too narrow-minded or too stubborn or too something to accept that God might just use some other means to bring healing for their child. And because of this, their child had died.

I hated those stories because I felt so powerless. I wanted to be able to go back in time and shake those parents and make them listen. I wanted to save the life of the poor child who had literally suffered to death, but I knew there was nothing I could do to help them.

I grew up in a religious home, but my parents always took us to the doctor when we needed it and gave us medication when the doctor felt is was necessary. I never thought my parents would turn into one of those faith healing fanatics who would risk their own health in their shortsightedness.

However, my dad has turned into one of those people. My dad has type 2 diabetes. My dad believes that God is going to heal him. For whatever reason, that means he can’t manage his diabetes via modern medicine in the meantime because that would be “doubting God will heal him” so he’s stopped testing his blood sugar and stopped taking his insulin. Because of this, he developed an infection in his ankle. Well, naturally, God’s going to heal that too. My dad refuses to see a doctor about it. He refuses to accept that God might heal him of the infection through modern medicine. And as a result, the infection has grown to at least 6 inches long and wraps around his ankle and I am terrified he’s going to need his foot amputated if he lets it go much longer. But still he refuses to see a doctor about it. I’m also afraid the infection is going to go septic and threaten his very life and he’ll still refuse to be seen.

I’m scared for him, and I feel helpless. And I’m mad and frustrated because he won’t take care of himself and he’s putting his wife and me through this.

Rheumatology

This morning I had an appointment with my rheumatologist. I see her every 3 months for my rheumatoid arthritis. After the frustration of yesterday, today was so refreshing. I wish all the professionals I see were as professional and courteous as my rheumatologist.

I take a combination of medications for my RA, and for now they’re staying the same, but she did a whole series of blood work so she said it may change depending on how the results come back. I’m glad to have my rheumatology appointment out of the way for 3 months. They are always long and she always wants a lot of blood (6 vials today).

I just…seriously??

Pictured above is me simultaneously doing an angry dance and a facepalm of frustration. Why? Well, it starts a couple months ago.

The psychiatrist I was seeing at the mental health clinic where I go for treatment of my bipolar disorder, bulimia, self-harm, suicidal ideation, etc quit a couple months ago. I was informed via a letter in the mail and told I would now be seeing a new psychiatrist and that I needed to call and set up an appointment after a certain date. I waited until said date, called, and set up an appointment, a month out (her first available appointment, apparently). I waited anxiously for the date to arrive as I could tell my meds needed to be adjusted. The day before my appointment, I got a call saying my appointment had been canceled because my new psychiatrist had quit.

So, I called intake to get an appointment with another psychiatrist, only to be told I couldn’t be seen by another one at the moment because they were shorthanded. Not good enough. I got the number to the intake manager and left her a message letting her know the situation and that I really needed to be seen by a psychiatrist. She promised to “work on it”.  Today, I went in to see my therapist and we went to speak with intake together. We found a psychiatrist with a last minute cancellation so I could get in to see someone this afternoon if I was willing to come back later. I was. They scheduled me and I left, finally feeling like I was making progress.

NOPE! I got a call just before noon saying they needed to cancel my appointment! No explanation could be given. I am so fucking frustrated! I just want to see a psychiatrist and get my meds adjusted. Is that really too much to ask??

Last Day of Shakes…for now

So I’m on my last day of samples I was given. I’m loving the shakes. My energy is up and my cravings are down. They’re very filling and nutritious. Plus, the chocolate with coffee and the vanilla with peanut butter are like heaven in a cup. You shouldn’t be allowed such deliciousness for a meal. PLUS, I’m down 5 pounds this week! That’s huge for me. Getting weight off for me is like pulling teeth. I always lose a pound or two and then gain it back (thanks, bulimia). To be down 5 pounds is phenomenal!

Today I’m drinking the vegan strawberry with frozen strawberries and kiwi blended in. It’s pretty good. Not like the chocolate or vanilla, but enjoyable.

I plan to continue my shakes and smoothies. The smoothies will continue without interruption because I have what I need for them here (namely food and/or grocery stores) but there will be a small break in my shakes while I wait for my shakes I ordered to arrive. Hopefully just a few days.

I did get several people asking me where they can get their own shakes. You buy them online. The website is http://www.shakeology.com/etharia. As I mentioned to one person, I recommend the chocolate (I LOVE it with iced coffee) or vanilla (can be mixed with anything to make it any flavor you desire, I love it with peanut butter). I didn’t care for any of the other flavors, except this vegan strawberry is alright. I ordered the chocolate because I want to have my shakes in the morning for breakfast and will be having it with my coffee. I can’t wait for it to arrive!! (Sorry, I’m a little obsessed now.)

Romance is a No-go

I told the guy that I can’t be in a relationship with him. I told him I can’t be the girl he wants me to be. I can’t not be anxious and I can’t not be bipolar and I can’t believe that one day I’ll be instantly healed. I can’t do daily phone calls because phone calls make me anxious and I can’t be there for him the way he wants. I just can’t be what he wants. And being with him just makes me feel inadequate.

Shakes & Smoothies: Day 4, the best day

Today I discovered my new favorite shake. Better than the peanut butter vanilla, even! What is this magical concoction, you ask? Chocolate with iced coffee. It was amazing. Who needs Starbucks? And this is a healthy, nutrient-dense meal?? Yes, please!! It’s decided, I’m sticking with the shakes after this week is over. I do, however, still have a few more flavors to try. Vegan strawberry, for instance.

I hope my new shakes get here before these ones run out.