Monthly Archives: May 2015

Groceries

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I did my first grocery shopping trip in…I don’t even know how long. Not shopping for binge/purge food, but shopping for a menu, shopping for meals and snacks.

I hated it. I panicked. I cried. I loathed that food in my basket.

But I did it.

The feeling of hating food, just hating food in general, has lingered. Right now, I don’t want to make breakfast. I don’t want to pack food to take for the weekend. I don’t want to follow my meal plan. But I DO want to recovery, and I know that I can’t do that without trusting my dietician and without following the meal plan. So I’m going to try to do all of those things.

I can’t believe I have all this food in the house. Last night I just wanted to binge and purge on all of it. Yet, I didn’t.

And now I shall get ready for the day, and I will eat.

 

First day of “freedom”

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59ff571c7f22ebd9a6c478c163b5b3d0Yesterday I graduated from PHP. Nine long weeks and I have officially stepped down to eiop. There was a tearful goodbye where everyone went around and said what the would miss about me. It was hard and awkward and soulful and cleansing. Then there were hugs and I got my graduation pendant. Then I bolted.

Sort of.

My brother came to pick me up. We made it a block and his car broke down. One tow truck, one ride from another brother, and  3 hours later, we made it back to my brothers’ apartment (they live together). One the way, we grabbed Wendy’s, both a fear food and a restrict-trigger place (I was anorexic when I worked there). However, I did it, stayed within my meal plan and portioning, and rode out the mental freak out.

We spent the rest of the night playing games. First some Superfight, then Borderlands the Presequel.

I crashed around 10pm because I’d been up since 5am, but my nocturnal brothers stayed up a few more hours.

This morning I got up and checked out the food situation. Sugary cereal and ramen. I debated not eating today, but decided that wasn’t a recovery focused thought, so I ate a small amount of the cereal. Normally I wouldn’t eat either the sugary cereal or ramen, but I decided I needed something. Since it was 7:30 am I went with the cereal as that sounded more “normal” in my head. 

Now I’m literally waiting for lunch. I’m hoping my brothers (who are still sleeping) have something other than ramen planned. Please let them have something planned. Otherwise, I think I’ll order a sandwich from Jimmy John’s.

Tonight: my first day of eiop!  

Progress

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I have been thinking about the progress I’ve made in the last 9 weeks. I spent my first day in treatment in the ER due to extreme dehydration and now I’m getting ready to discharge and step down to evening intensive outpatient. I can’t believe the progress I’ve made. I have only purged once in the last 6 weeks. I can follow my meal plan on my own. This is the first time I’ve believed recovery is possible for me.

Discharge Impending

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I’m discharging on Tuesday. I start EIOP Wednesday.

I’m conflicted. Excited, scared, hopeful, anxious.

I have blue dye in my hair. A touch up job. I have a snack and dinner pass tomorrow. I’m going to comicon tomorrow afternoon/evening and I want my hair to look its best.

I am nervous about going. I feel like the stereotypical fat geek girl. It doesn’t help that I’m going with my brother and his tall, thin, gorgeous girlfriend. However, I’ve been wanting to go for years and every year something comes up. I’m taking this opportunity.

Other than Comicon, I’ve got a ton of discharge paperwork to do this weekend. I had my last family session today. We went over my wellness plan. The wellness plan goes over things like how I plan to eat well, keep balance in my life, sleep appropriately, exercise in a healthful way, my triggers, signs of relapse, how my support system can help me, and so forth. It’s extensive. (Like 10 typed pages?)

I met with my dietician and went over my discharge meal plan. I had to make a week’s meal plan with 21 different meals and 21 snacks (3 meals and 3 snacks a day) and it had to be reviewed and approved by my dietician.

I also met with my psychiatrist and he changed my anxiety med. Hopefully this one works better for me. My doctor also prescribed a new medication to prevent migraines.

So much change is happening.

Falling apart

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I didn’t eat breakfast or snack today. I left the house without shoes. I came home from treatment and binged and purged multiple times.

One more week, or not at all

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Right now, my insurance has approved me through tomorrow. My team wants me to stay one more week, so I’ll find out tomorrow whether that’ll be approved. I’m ok with either outcome.

On the one hand, I’m exhausted. The last 2 months have been productive and so helpful, but HARD. If I’m not approved for more time, I’ll be ok stepping down to EIOP.

One the other, more time would be helpful, and I recognize that. I will gladly stay if given the time. Luckily, eiop has already been approved, so I won’t be leaving treatment altogether, I’ll still have support. If I can do eiop for a while, whether that’s a few weeks or a few months, I think I can really, finally, do recovery.

I’m in a good place of mind most of the time. I know the transition will be hard, but I have confidence I can do it despite the difficulty.

Upcoming discharge and overwhelmingness

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This week has been HARD. I have had food challenges every day, passes every day, shrimp, super hard sessions, and more.

After my ridiculously hard solo dinner pass Wednesday, I came home and binged, then freaked out and exercised until I physically couldn’t anymore.

Probably because of that, and exercising hard yesterday, my fibromyalgia had flared up badly this morning upon waking. I almost didn’t go into program, I was in so much pain.

While meeting with my dietician today, she told me my team thinks I may need more time. As it is now, my discharge date is the 19th — 8 weeks after I entered the program. I’m exhausted. I just want to be done with it. However, I trust my team and I’ll stay longer if they end up deciding I need to.

Goddamn Shrimp

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I have a long (mental) list of foods I dislike but have never actually tried. This week, I have to try one of those every day. Today, it was shrimp.

I have discovered that I do NOT dislike shrimp. I fucking hate shrimp.

The problem with trying new foods in treatment is that if you hate it, you still have to finish it. Not only do I hate shrimp, eating it made me physically gag and nearly vomit on the table.

I could have just not eaten it and boosted, but that would have meant going down a level and I finally made it to level 3 (the top level at my treatment center).

On my thought log for wrap-up, I put that my post-meal intention is to write hate letters to shrimp. Also that I want to stab shrimp in the face.

Eating in Treatment: Part 3

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When you have a meal, you get one 16 ounce glass of water. Your water intake is charted, and if you aren’t hydrating, you’re put on mandatory liquids (usually a combination of gatorade and water). While there are some exceptions to the rule, for the most part, you can tell by looking at people’s water who is anorexic and who is bulimic.

Bulimics, used to water-loading to help with purging, tend to drink all their water, and especially in the beginning, quickly and toward the first half of the meal.

Anorexics, for a variety of reasons (fear of stretching out the stomach, paranoia over calories, etc) tend to not drink their water.