Grief, Vulnerability, and Shame

Today, I watched these two videos that my therapist assigned me to watch. They’re long, but if you haven’t seen them yet, I highly recommend them.

After finishing the video on shame, which I cried through, I felt ready to finally work on some grief work I’ve been putting off.

The first assignment was to make a Mad/Sad/Scared/Glad list about my sister’s death. It was hard, but good. Here’s that list.

• I’m sad that you’re not here anymore.
• I’m sad you won’t be at my wedding.
• I’m sad the kids are no longer a part of my life.
• I’m sad you will miss out on all future holidays.
• I’m sad you don’t get to hear our jokes and know our stories.
• I’m sad for all the “missed” time with you.
• I’m sad we’ll never get to go to another movie, you’ll never recommend another book, and never suck me into another game.
• I’m sad we can’t have girl’s nights.
• I’m sad all 7 siblings will never be together again.
• I’m sad my future family will never get to know you.
• I’m mad God let you die.
• I’m mad I couldn’t change it.
• I’m mad when I don’t think of you.
• I’m scared to feel the grief.
• I’m scared to let go of you.
• I’m scared of accepting that you’re gone forever.
• I’m scared of what it means to have a future without you.
• I’m glad you’re in heaven enjoying yourself.
• I’m glad you’re with your Savior.
  I miss you.

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What it’s like to eat in treatment: Part 2

“Can you scrape your plate some more?”

“Can you take another spoonful of that yogurt?”

“Can you finish what’s left in this bowl?”

“Don’t stack your dishes.”

“Don’t tear your roll/brownie/cookie/etc.”

“Can you put your hands above the table, please?”

“Don’t put your napkin on your lap.”

“Take your jacket off before coming to the table.”

“Push up your sleeves, please.”

“Ten minutes left, everyone.”

“Five minutes left.”

“Two minutes left.”

“Can you come back to the table and finish your meal?”

“Can I check your mouth?”

“Can you swallow before leaving the table?”

“Do you want chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla boost?” (Tip: don’t pick strawberry.)

Three more days

I’ve been approved through Saturday, with another review Friday. I am hoping to only do PHP through Saturday and  start EIOP Monday.

Just a meeting

I didn’t bring my bag today because I was just coming in for a meeting. I didn’t bring my books or my therapy homework. I didn’t bring my phone charger. I just came in for a meeting.

However, I stayed for program. I still havr today and tomorrow approved, so I’m going to get a better wrap-up to treatment than leaving quietly without a word. I’ll have more resources, and someone to help me figure out my meal plan. Plus, I can step down to eiop instead of quitting cold turkey. 

I feel weird being back, but I know this is best.

Phone Tag

I’ve been playing phone tag with staff from the center all weekend. This afternoon, I finally got in touch with the clinical director. She wants me to come in tomorrow morning for a meeting. She wanted me to come in for program, but all I could agree to, through tears and anxiety, was a meeting.

Depression and Apathy

This morning, depression and apathy had set in.

I called the treatment center back after missing a call from them. They want me to come back. Just the thought sent me into a full blown panic attack.

I’m struggling to balance my eating. Everything in me wants to restrict, but I’m trying to not lose all the progress of over a month in PHP, but so much of me just doesn’t care.

I did manage to eat a small bowl of cereal this morning. Not my full meal plan, but something is better than nothing, I suppose.

I’m considering doing “snacks” from my meal plan for my meals, so I’d be having 6 snacks a day. That seems much more attainable. Especially since the snacks are so meal-like anyway.

In good news, it’s been 2 weeks since I last binged and purged, and 55 days since I self-harmed.

Day 2

Day 2 and I didn’t even try to follow my meal plan. I am still so overwhelmed and exhausted from yesterday, and my fibromyalgia is so bad, the thought of following it again today seemed like too much.

I went out to lunch with a friend, we got sushi. Even the 6 pieces of sushi seemed like too much.

I’m exhausted. I didn’t get up until 8am, and it’s only 6:30, yet I feel like I was up all night.

Day One

I’ve gotten through 3 meals and 2 snacks, just one snack to go. I’ve tried to follow my meal plan, as near as I can figure it out.

I feel mentally exhausted. I can’t imagine doing this for the rest of my life.

Done

I left treatment last night. Now I feel lost and sad and overwhelmed and unsure what direction I want to go. I’m making breakfast, but I don’t know if I’ll do 3 meals and 3 snacks. I kind of really want to restrict.

Another week

I was approved for another week!