I keep crying.
I was reading the schedule for the partial hospitalization program abd it all started to sink in. Then I read the requirements for each level (determines your supervision and activity levels) and I started to freak out.
What if I can’t do this? What if I get there and I can’t eat my meals? What if my insurance doesn’t think I’m trying hard enough and cuts me off? What if I actually succeed in recovery? What am I without my bulimia? Who am I?
This has been my life for over 2 decades. I’m terrified to let it go. I don’t know what life looks like after recovery. Without my eating disorder. The thought of it terrifies me. Panic. Tears. Shortness of breath. I am completely afraid to move past this. To live a life without all I’ve known for so long.
a2eternity 
Your honesty is amazing. That question is what keeps so many of us sick, and most of us are not able to admit that (to others or to ourselves). You are so strong. The fact that you are able to recognize that question and ask it is what shows me you are going to succeed. Letting go of the eating disorder is hard and scary and I get that. But I also know you are asking the right questions and moving in the right direction. You’re doing well, sweet girl. Keep going.
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Thank you. It’s comments like these that give me the courage and encouragement to keep posting.
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I don’t ever want to put pressure on you to keep posting, but this is a great outlet for you and there are people here who care about you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Push through the fear – you’ve got this and you are not alone.
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Talk to your body and use positive affirmations. It’s now been proven by science that our DNAs are always listening.. and they respond!
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Thanks. I recently installed an affirmations app on my phone. I really like it.
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Excellent!! 🙂
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It’s okay that you don’t know what life without ED will look like, you just have to trust that it will be better than life with it. Hang in there x
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Thank you.
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You can make it anything you want! It’s going to be scary but also exciting! Good luck, my dear. Keep letting us know how you’re doing xxx
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I will. Thank you.
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It will be very powerful. You will have a freedom you didn’t imagine before. It is okay to be overwhelmed. Prisoners often resist the wide spaces outside the walls when they are set free. I was a captive (in a more literal sense), for a few years and sometimes the freedom is heady and sometimes it is too much, but always it is better than before.
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It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to slip up too. There is so much pressure in this…be kind to yourself when you can. Thinking of you.
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I’m with you. I don’t know who I am without anorexia. I have had it since I was a toddler apparently. It’s part of our identity and coping skills. Please stay strong and let me know how you hold up. You’re in my thoughts.
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Reblogged this on The Sound of Ed's Voice and commented:
My thoughts frequently: who is Cassie really without anorexia? Who am I? When it is so engrained in our coping mechanisms and our identity and thought processes, while we learn to weed it out, it’s so scary learning who we really are.
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