Terror

Standard

I keep crying.

I was reading the schedule for the partial hospitalization program abd it all started to sink in. Then I read the requirements for each level (determines your supervision and activity levels) and I started to freak out.

What if I can’t  do this? What if I get there and I can’t eat my meals? What if my insurance doesn’t think I’m trying hard enough and cuts me off? What if I actually succeed in recovery? What am I without my bulimia? Who am I?

This has been my life for over 2 decades. I’m terrified to let it go. I don’t know what life looks like after recovery. Without my eating disorder. The thought of it terrifies me. Panic. Tears. Shortness of breath. I am completely afraid to move past this. To live a life without all I’ve known for so long.

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14 responses »

  1. Your honesty is amazing. That question is what keeps so many of us sick, and most of us are not able to admit that (to others or to ourselves). You are so strong. The fact that you are able to recognize that question and ask it is what shows me you are going to succeed. Letting go of the eating disorder is hard and scary and I get that. But I also know you are asking the right questions and moving in the right direction. You’re doing well, sweet girl. Keep going.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It will be very powerful. You will have a freedom you didn’t imagine before. It is okay to be overwhelmed. Prisoners often resist the wide spaces outside the walls when they are set free. I was a captive (in a more literal sense), for a few years and sometimes the freedom is heady and sometimes it is too much, but always it is better than before.

    Liked by 1 person

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