Terror

I keep crying.

I was reading the schedule for the partial hospitalization program abd it all started to sink in. Then I read the requirements for each level (determines your supervision and activity levels) and I started to freak out.

What if I can’t  do this? What if I get there and I can’t eat my meals? What if my insurance doesn’t think I’m trying hard enough and cuts me off? What if I actually succeed in recovery? What am I without my bulimia? Who am I?

This has been my life for over 2 decades. I’m terrified to let it go. I don’t know what life looks like after recovery. Without my eating disorder. The thought of it terrifies me. Panic. Tears. Shortness of breath. I am completely afraid to move past this. To live a life without all I’ve known for so long.

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At it again

This upcoming week, I’ll be starting PHP at a local eating disorder treatment center.

It’s a 12 hour,  7 day a week program. I’m both relieved and freaking out. Didn’t think that was possible? I assure you, it is. 

I’ll be eating all my meals there. When I get home, I’ll look through the schedule they sent me. 

I’m determined to make this count.