Journal entry from my fourth day on the psychiatric wing.
**Self-harm trigger warning**
Today was hard. My depression was high, my self-harm urges were high, my suicidal ideation was high, and my anxiety was high.
Having so many strangers (visitors) all over the place had me on edge, and not having a private place to go had me frantic. I wanted to cut., I wanted to hit walls and cause bruises, I wanted to bang my head against a wall, I wanted to stab myself, I wanted to cut my throat, I wanted to take the knife from dinner and use it to cut.
I was given Ativan. It helped mildly. It took the very edge off, and that’s all. Not what I was hoping from an anxiety medication.
I want to cut. So badly. I’m going to try to sleep instead.
A journal entry from my third night on the psychiatric wing.
Saturday is long and pretty boring. I was really down most of the day and was close to tears a lot. During my meeting with my counselor he talked about how I’m brave for being here. I found it hard to agree.
We talking about my bulimia and my history of sexual abuse and rape and he thinks I need to see a trauma specialist. He agreed with me that all the counselors have it backward — you can’t take away all my coping mechanisms and then get into the trauma. That’s when I freak out and get overwhelmed and attempt suicide and shut down.
I feel like things are finally starting to click here. I feel like these are the highest quality counselors I’ve ever worked with. And as strange as it seemed at first, I like having a new counselor every day. Each one provides fresh perspective.
Tonight’s also wants me to start overeaters anonymous for my bulimia. I didn’t know you could go to that for bulimia. I might give it a try.
I’ve been needing a bike for a while now and I just discovered this site. If I refer 99 people, I get a free bike. I’m 89 people away. Will you help me earn a free bike?