Hospitalization: Part 6

And entry from 3/7/15.

The thing that strikes me the most if how normal the patients are. Oh, you have the woman who walks around with a blank stare on her face and won’t talk to anyone except her visitor, and sometimes staff. She’ll stand outside group and stare into the room through the door window or come stand by your table, but she never enters and never sits.

And there’s the occasional outburst that was uncalled for or too intense for the situation, or the one who starting crying for seemingly no reason. However, there is usually a reason for these. Something about the situation has triggered an unusual response.

On the whole, though, the people of Three West are so normal. They are the people you see everyday. They are your coworkers, your cashier, your deli worker, your banker, your boss, your child’s teacher that you love. They’re the people you go out for beers with, invite over for the game, the parents in your Mommy & Me group, your best friend, your dad, your daughter, your son.

They enjoy each other’s company. They play cards together. They play board games. They swear when they make a game-losing mistake. They enjoy a good meal, talking over a cup of tea, going for walks.

If you look at the patents of Three West, if you observe them, they are, simply, human. And they are quite normal.

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Hospitalization: Part 5

From the afternoon of my second day on the wing.

During the 2nd group, the facilitator kept using an example of being overweight and needing to lose weight, how if you’re overweight you aren’t exercising and you eat an unhealthy diet, how you lack self-discipline. It was so wrong and triggering, and since I was the only overweight person in the room, it felt like a direct assault.

Just over halfway through, my growing anxiety over his topic triggered a sudden-onset migraine. It was a good excuse to leave the group. I went and got meds from my nurse and lay down. I stayed in bed until lunch, ate a slow lunch, feeling bogged down by both the migraine and the meds, then headed back to my room to purde. While in the bathroom, my roomie came back and needed to use the bathroom, so I exited. She stayed in the room afterward, and I felt awkward going back into the bathroom again to purge, so I didn’t.

My potassium and iron are low, despite taking supplements daily for both. I had to take an extra “booster” dose of potassium and it’s so gross.

I rested again for a bit after lunch, then played King’s Corner with a couple other ladies with a cobbled together deck of cards. After that, we had art for about an hour. Now I’m just trying to stay awake while I wait for my dad to visit.

Hospitalization: Part 4

From my second morning on the Psychiatric Wing.

Yesterday, my counselor told me that pain is part of being human. She told me, “You can’t grieve your sister without feeling the pain and hurt and anger of losing her. And you can’t heal from the rapes and abuse unless you let yourself feel.” I know she is right, but the idea scares me tremendously.

It’s Saturday morning, 5:40. I’m waiting for 6 o’clock so I can take a shower. There are 2 showers on the wing and they don’t only let you use them between 6am and 10:30pm.

I’m tired physically, and keep yawning, but every time I lie down, I feel wide awake. Around 4:00, I got up to check the time (no clocks in the rooms) and another patient was up too. She asked if I wanted to play chess or checkers, neither of which I care for. We settled on Uno. We played several games, and both went back to bed around 5:00. I tried for 35 minutes to sleep, but was restless and just tossed and turned. It sounded like I might be keeping my roommate awake, so I grabbed my pen and paper and now I’m in the common area.

Earlier I was getting water from the kitchen when I saw a personal sized box of cereal. I so wanted to eat it. Eat it and purge it. And even though there were no other patients around to see me eat outside of mealtime, I knew there are cameras everywhere and a staff member would see me and judge me.

Ten minutes until I can shower…

Hospitalization: Part 3

A journal entry from my second night in the psychiatric unit.

Groups today were much better than last night and I got a lot out of them. However, I kept being pulled from groups to meet with different people like my psychiatrist and social worker.

I didn’t care for the psychiatrist at all, but I liked the nurse practitioner. the day got to the lowest when I met with my counselor. She was harsh and blunt and forward, but I got through more with her in half an hour than I have with other counselors in months. I also cried way more than I’m comfortable with, but I experienced a little high after, which is weird.

I suspect my new roommate may also be bulimic — she beats me to the bathroom after every meal. I was really uncomfortable having a roommate at first, but now I’m only mildly uncomfortable. I like her, which is a plus.

Earlier, one lady at lunch said, “This is so much food! How do they expect us to finish it??” Of course, after I had finished eating my tray. I wanted to say she was being triggering, but I didn’t.

Three people that seemed really interesting went home today so I didn’t get to know them. I’m glad, however, my roommate and I have many similar interests and hobbies.

I was “certified” today, meaning I’ve been admitted for 90 days. I about had a heart attack when I heard that, but they said I should be out of here in a week-ish.

Tomorrow is Saturday and I hear there’s nothing to do after 1:00pm. I hope I have a visitor. I also hope my dad brings my other book, clothes, and my slippers.

I took Ambien, so I hope I can sleep soon, and don’t get a visit from the Ambien walrus. I shall try now.