The anticipation is killing me

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My intake assessment is tomorrow. It’s so close, but so elusively far. I’m nervous and scared and hopeful, and scared of being hopeful.

I’m afraid they’ll tell me they can’t or won’t help me. I’m afraid they will help me. I need this. I know I need this. Yet it terrifies me.

I’ve been fighting the last few days to hang on. When I get this kind of build up of anticipation, my anxiety goes through the roof. I’ve done a lot of binging and purging and laxatives, but I’ve been trying not to cut, and I’ve been fighting the strong urge to overdose.

I just need an answer. One way or the other, I need to know what’s going to happen. I don’t do well when I don’t know. I don’t like not having things planned out. The unknown and uncertainty drive me nuts.

I’ve only slept 2 hours in the last few days. I’m sure that’s not helping any.

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2 responses »

  1. I so remember this fear. The never ending circle of it all. Afraid something will happen, yet afraid it won’t. My heart goes out to you. It’s such a dark place to be trapped in. A very lonely place too. It’s great you blog though. I started my blog while I was in my relapse and I only did one entry. I did keep a journal though. I’m thankful for that, because being on the other side and fully free from it, during the healing process, whenever I felt the urge to choose the life of death, I would read my journal entries. They are so sad. Like this post.

    I wasn’t living life. And I so deperetly wanted to! My world was consumed by food and the scale. There wasn’t room for one thing else. Relationships were pulverized. I was single with no hope of a future of what I longed for (marriage, kids…)

    But once you reach that point of determination to set your stubbornness no longer in sync with the eating disorder, but instead against it…that is when mountains begin to move.

    I hope the best for you. It pains me to see people stuck where I was once. I wish there was a magic wand to cure the world. But it’s so good you are already to the place where you want help. Even though afraid.

    Joyce Meyer says “do it afraid”.

    Like

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