Monthly Archives: January 2015

Facing Fears

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buy_ensureI just got home from my doctor appointment. I got all the labs and tests the eating disorder center want, plus a few my doctor wanted. She also wants me to start drinking 2 ensures a day. And keeping them down, she added after a couple seconds.

Inside I’m freaking out, but I know I need to be willing to do what I’m told is in my best interest if I’m ever going to recover. If I can’t even drink ensure, I’ll never be able to eat 3 meals. So I will try.

I’ll start with one a day, and try to work my way up. Facing my fears.

Now just to wait

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I had my intake assessment today. I see my doctor Friday for tests. And now I just wait to hear back.

Logic

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20150126_235725-1I can eat the cookies if I take the pills.

Tonight I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

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I came across this video completely be accident while surfing youtube ASL videos. It left me sobbing. It makes me think of my sister, who died 3 years ago. Words cannot describe how hard it is to lose a sister, especially one who is a best friend.

The anticipation is killing me

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My intake assessment is tomorrow. It’s so close, but so elusively far. I’m nervous and scared and hopeful, and scared of being hopeful.

I’m afraid they’ll tell me they can’t or won’t help me. I’m afraid they will help me. I need this. I know I need this. Yet it terrifies me.

I’ve been fighting the last few days to hang on. When I get this kind of build up of anticipation, my anxiety goes through the roof. I’ve done a lot of binging and purging and laxatives, but I’ve been trying not to cut, and I’ve been fighting the strong urge to overdose.

I just need an answer. One way or the other, I need to know what’s going to happen. I don’t do well when I don’t know. I don’t like not having things planned out. The unknown and uncertainty drive me nuts.

I’ve only slept 2 hours in the last few days. I’m sure that’s not helping any.

Here we go again

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I have an intake assessment call with an eating disorder treatment facility on Tuesday.

I have no idea whether I’ll get into one of their programs. I really don’t know what to expect at all. I’m very nervous, slightly freaking out. But I’m ready to give recovery another go. I have realized I really do want a future without all of this, and I am ready to fight for it.

In the last week, I have binged and purged for 10 hours straight before passing out on my bedroom floor, and I’ve been horribly ill from overdosing on laxatives to the point of uncontrollable vomiting. This is completely out of control and I need to change something.

So here’s hoping.

Do I invite Betrayal?

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I just found out that someone I thought was a close friend and confidant has been telling people details of our conversations and very personal information about me. People I DID NOT want to know these things. And she knew that too.

I feel so betrayed and hurt.

Mixed signals

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So I got a message from the boy today.

The one I just broke up with because he doesn’t love me and was only in a relationship with me because he felt depressed not being in a relationship?

I feel like I have such a strong attachment to you that staying away from you is like pulling apart bonded hydrogen atoms in my heart.”

WHAT???

Internal Paradox

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After learning about how the boy felt, he asked if I wanted to still be in a relationship. I love him, and I’m secretly an optimist, so I told him that I did, if he did, and that he should think about whether that was something he wanted.

Then, I waited.

I didn’t hear from him for a couple days. I waited, hoping. Hoping he would choose me. Hoping he would realize he loved me. Hoping and waiting. On him.

On the second day, he sent me a message. Unrelated to “us” just a general chatty message. I asked him if that meant he wanted to be friends while he figured out how he felt, and that led to a whole long discussion and I had an epiphany.

I realized, while we were talking, that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. I love him, and the thought of being in a relationship with someone I love, but who doesn’t love me and is just keeping me around because he doesn’t NOT want to be in a relationship, that suddenly sounded harder than letting him go.

So I did. I broke things off with him. It hurt. It hurt so much. There were a lot of tears. It felt simultaneously empowering and crushing.

This is the first time I broke up with someone not out of fear, but because I chose to because it was the right thing for me. The first time I didn’t stay with someone out of fear. The first time my relationship decision was thought through and honest and healthy. Ever.

It’s surreal. It hurts. Yet it feels good at the same time.

So last night it really hit me, the impact of the knowledge that the whole time we were together, he didn’t feel anything for me. The deception, the way I feel so used, all our interactions that in hind sight make so much sense given this new information. And I lost it.

I spent a good 8 hours, maybe more, probably closer to 10, binging and purging. It was grueling.

I’ve been too apathetic and depressed lately to do anything. I mean, anything. Even getting out of bed was difficult. Just a little, my binge/purge spree jogged me out of that.