Where is the line?

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He buys me stuff all the time.

Groceries. Gifts. Toiletries. 

Today he got me some gifts. Just now, I stumbled across the receipt. It was a lot of money. 

I feel guilty.  I feel like I’m using him to get things. I feel manipulative. I feel like I’m stealing. I feel like I don’t deserve these things.

I feel cheap. It makes be wonder at which point do I cross the line into prostitution?

It doesn’t help that I hate it. It doesn’t help that I disassociate when he touches me. It doesn’t help that I feel like a doll in his hands, there only to receive him and help him achieve pleasure. It doesn’t help that the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

My anxiety has gotten really bad lately. I don’t go anywhere. I make plans to do things with people, and then cancel.

I feel like I can’t call it off. I feel like I owe him too much, financially. I feel like I owe him my body because of how much he’s paid for and bought me. I don’t think I can ever make up that deficit, so I don’t think I can ever leave.

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