3…2…1…Self Destruct

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I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning.

I have a pattern. The night before an appointment with my doctor, I freak out. I worry about my weight and about talking about my disordered behaviors and about being confronted with the risks and about being told I should really be in treatment and I just start to panic.

Then, in response, I tend to do something stupid like overdose on laxatives, making myself too sick to get out of bed and go to my appointment.

I purged earlier and I took a handful of laxatives, but I’m hoping it wasn’t too much. I really need to get to this appointment since I missed the last one.

I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by life again. I’m not working on my classes and I’m not working and I just want to tell the doctor I’m suicidal so I can hang out in the psych ward for a couple days and pretend the world doesn’t exist. 

Instead, I’ll binge and purge on Cheetos and try to make it to my appointment. 

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2 responses »

  1. Please tell your doctor what’s going on and get the support you need! If you get a doctor’s note you can probably get extensions on assignments, too. You deserve to feel bette as your number 1 priority right now–the rest will follow naturally. ❤ all the best as you face your fears tomorrow

    Liked by 1 person

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