I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning.
I have a pattern. The night before an appointment with my doctor, I freak out. I worry about my weight and about talking about my disordered behaviors and about being confronted with the risks and about being told I should really be in treatment and I just start to panic.
Then, in response, I tend to do something stupid like overdose on laxatives, making myself too sick to get out of bed and go to my appointment.
I purged earlier and I took a handful of laxatives, but I’m hoping it wasn’t too much. I really need to get to this appointment since I missed the last one.
I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by life again. I’m not working on my classes and I’m not working and I just want to tell the doctor I’m suicidal so I can hang out in the psych ward for a couple days and pretend the world doesn’t exist.
Instead, I’ll binge and purge on Cheetos and try to make it to my appointment.