Life with body dysmorphic disorder


“Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a disorder that is characterized by a distressing or impairing preoccupation with slight or imagined defect(s) in one’s physical appearance.” (NBCI)

One of the hardest parts, in my opinion, of living with BDD is having no clue what I look like to others. Or any clue what like look like period.

I see myself in the mirror, and I see a distorted image, like looking at a funhouse mirror.

Another problem I have is that it’s not consistent. Sometimes, the mirror changes.

The last couple days, my stomach has looked like it’s grown 6 or 7 times its normal hideous size. It looks like looking at myself through the fisheye effect on a camera. A strange, huge, distorted bulge where my stomach should be.

My first thought, naturally, was that I’ve gained a ton of weight. The scale says I haven’t. I weighed myself repeatedly just to check. Yet still, my stomach looks gargantuan and deformed.

It’s not just when looking in the mirror. When I look down at my stomach, it’s the same thing. It’s aggravating and terrifying. It’s confusing. It’s disorienting. It’s maddening.

 Today’s manicure:


6 responses »

      • Just a few days ago my scale told me I had gained twenty pounds. I got on and off and each time, the same. I checked the balance, fine. Then my daughter walked by, and I got her on the scale and it claimed she had gained twenty pounds, too. From panic to relief, in ten seconds. The spot I had it in was uneven flooring, apparently.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. It seems like I go back and forth between using either the scale or the mirror to tell me that the other is one is not giving me an accurate picture of my body. I do find that clothes, especially pants can help convince my mind that my body is still the same size as it was the day before, which helps keep me from freaking out completely.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I had a counselor ask me once about using my clothes to help gauge my weight loss/gain. I can’t do it, though. I don’t wear pants, I wear mostly flowy dresses. So unless it’s a significant amount (30 pounds or more) I just can’t tell. I have such a mental mind fuck in my head all the time that I can’t even accurately tell whether my clothes fit the same as they used to until either they become uncomfortably tight, or someone comments on them.


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