Of dating and anxiety

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I find dating to be exhausting.

I’ve mentioned before how casual dating just isn’t for me. I don’t enjoy it and it saps all my energy.

I haven’t exactly been dating lately, but I’ve been spending a lot of my time with someone. We play video games together and just talk. I could see it becoming something.

And yet, part of me hopes it doesn’t.

I’m exhausted. I’ve been off my meds for a few months now and my body is constantly weary and in pain. Add in my new business (which I’m loving) and school (which is overwhelming me merely by existing) and a something-relationship and I just am tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I’m also scared to be honest. I know he will eventually see my scars and cuts. I know he will eventually discover my neuroses. I know I will eventually be too troubled, too much, too far gone, too hard to handle, too confusing, too needy, too depressed, too…too…too…

Earlier, we were chatting on gtalk (or hangouts, I guess it’s called now) and he send me a youtube video that shows how the special effects department made it look like someone’s fingers had been cut off. The video starts with bloody, severed fingers. I quickly closed it and told him I couldn’t watch it. He explained that he normally doesn’t like things that are gory, but the process was really interesting, and it doesn’t seem gory anymore after you know the process.

I was pretty sure I knew the process (I did) but I thought I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and watch it. I had to stop when they started to cut the fake fingers with scissors. I couldn’t explain to him why it bothered me so much. I couldn’t tell him about having wanted to cut off my own fingers just a few month ago. I can’t tell him how much I loathe this body I am stuck in and how I so often have to fight myself just to NOT mutilate it.

In other mostly unrelated news, I was supposed to do the NEDA walk in my town this morning. Supposed to.

I had worked and worked to raise money and I had looked forward to doing this for months. Then, this morning, I woke up, and I couldn’t do it. I had the most terrible anxiety. Pure panic. I cried, I was so frustrated. I wanted to go, but at the same time, I was terrified. I couldn’t will myself out of bed. I turned my alarm off and cried myself to sleep.

The one bright note of my day, I have nice nails…

Chameleonaire

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One response »

  1. I feel the EXACT same way about dating. There’s this guy that keeps trying to ask me out and I just can’t handle it. I can’t trust him. I can’t trust anyone. I don’t want anyone to find out about the self-harm, the panic, the eating disorder, or any of it. I feel like I can barely manage my life as it is right now without adding a relationship into the mix. Mental illness definitely makes it a lot harder to be in a relationship, or even consider one for that matter.

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