Searching for motivation

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I was thinking this morning about checking out a local eating disorder support group, but then I began to wonder why I wanted to go. Was it because I want to work toward recovery again? 

No, that wasn’t it. 

I think my true motivation was that I feel so disconnected and isolated right now that I just wanted to connect with someone, in person, who gets it. 

Then I wondered whether it was appropriate to attend a recovery-themed support group if you don’t actually want to recover. 

I don’t know the answer to that. 

I also began to wonder how I could find motivation to want to recover. Or whether I even want to want to recover. 

I don’t know. 

I considered this morning pursuing treatment again. Again, though, not because I wanted to recover. I miss the community feel of being in treatment. I miss the bubble of being consistently around others who understand what it’s like, who laugh at my morbid, ED-related jokes, who can relate to the fears and irrational thoughts. 

Part of me feels guilty that I don’t want to recover because I feel like I’m “supposed to” recover. Like it’s the morally right thing to do, abd therefore I am morally wrong for not doing it. Not even that my actions are wrong, but that I myself am wrong. 

Anyway, I should wrap this up. I’m in the chair at the dentist’s office and I want to publish this before he comes in. 

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