I was thinking this morning about checking out a local eating disorder support group, but then I began to wonder why I wanted to go. Was it because I want to work toward recovery again?
No, that wasn’t it.
I think my true motivation was that I feel so disconnected and isolated right now that I just wanted to connect with someone, in person, who gets it.
Then I wondered whether it was appropriate to attend a recovery-themed support group if you don’t actually want to recover.
I don’t know the answer to that.
I also began to wonder how I could find motivation to want to recover. Or whether I even want to want to recover.
I don’t know.
I considered this morning pursuing treatment again. Again, though, not because I wanted to recover. I miss the community feel of being in treatment. I miss the bubble of being consistently around others who understand what it’s like, who laugh at my morbid, ED-related jokes, who can relate to the fears and irrational thoughts.
Part of me feels guilty that I don’t want to recover because I feel like I’m “supposed to” recover. Like it’s the morally right thing to do, abd therefore I am morally wrong for not doing it. Not even that my actions are wrong, but that I myself am wrong.
Anyway, I should wrap this up. I’m in the chair at the dentist’s office and I want to publish this before he comes in.