I love the flavor text on this card. (The last sentence, that’s in italics.)
Someone I was in residential with four years ago is in the hospital right now with a feeding tube.
I know it’s stupid and petty and wrong, but I am jealous.
I miss my anorexic days. I miss fasting and restricting and not binging and purging. I keep telling myself I’m going to stop eating altogether, this is one of my greatest wishes, but I can’t seem to follow through.
I love the idea of never again placing food in my mouth. The idea of total abstinence from food. It calls to me. I find it alluring. And yet, I cannot attain.
I hate myself for my own weakness.
I loathe myself for my inability to refuse.
I revile the food I find within me.
Yet I eat.
Pass out from exhaustion.
It is never enough.
I am never enough.
I will never be enough unless I can cease to consume.
I will find the answer. I swear it to myself. It may take months or years, but I will do it. I will discover the secret to existing without food. I will find the strength to abstain.
I will conquer my body’s misguided need for sustenance.