Oh, to be tragic

 

I love the flavor text on this card. (The last sentence, that’s in italics.) 

Someone I was in residential with four years ago is in the hospital right now with a feeding tube. 

I know it’s stupid and petty and wrong, but I am jealous. 

I miss my anorexic days. I miss fasting and  restricting and not binging and purging. I keep telling myself I’m going to stop eating altogether, this is one of my greatest wishes, but I can’t seem to follow through. 

I love the idea of never again placing food in my mouth. The idea of total abstinence from food. It calls to me. I find it alluring. And yet, I cannot attain. 

I hate myself for my own weakness. 

I loathe myself for my inability to refuse. 

I revile the food I find within me. 

Yet I eat. 

And eat. 

Eat. 

Purge. 

Laxatives. 

Exercise. 

Caffeine. 

Eat. 

Pass out from exhaustion. 

It is never enough. 

I am never enough. 

I will never be enough unless I can cease to consume. 

I will find the answer. I swear it to myself. It may take months or years, but I will do it. I will discover the secret to existing without food. I will find the strength to abstain. 

I will conquer my body’s misguided need for sustenance. 

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Eat This Much

I found this neat site called Eat This Much. You can tell it how many calories you want to eat over how many total meals during the day, and it will give you a meal plan for the day. You can edit what types of foods it will suggest, follow certain diets like vegetarian, paleo, etc, tell it how many (or what percentage) carbs, fats, and proteins you want, and more. It’s really quite a useful site.

There’s only one small problem.

How do I get three-quarters of the egg white and the yolk? I’m also not sure how to measure a quarter of a tablespoon.

How on earth am I supposed to measure 0.17 tablespoon, 0.17 cup, or 0.67 of an egg?

0.13 of everything?

0.04 of a cup? Then you have 0.17 of almost everything else.

I love this site in theory. I really want to be able to use it. However, I can’t find a way to make it give me measurements that make logic.

I thought the strange measurements might have been just because I was requesting an unrealistic amount of calories per day. However, when I switched to the standard 2000 calories, it didn’t help any.

Yes, it wants me to add 0.13 cup of low fat milk to this recipe.

Searching for motivation

I was thinking this morning about checking out a local eating disorder support group, but then I began to wonder why I wanted to go. Was it because I want to work toward recovery again? 

No, that wasn’t it. 

I think my true motivation was that I feel so disconnected and isolated right now that I just wanted to connect with someone, in person, who gets it. 

Then I wondered whether it was appropriate to attend a recovery-themed support group if you don’t actually want to recover. 

I don’t know the answer to that. 

I also began to wonder how I could find motivation to want to recover. Or whether I even want to want to recover. 

I don’t know. 

I considered this morning pursuing treatment again. Again, though, not because I wanted to recover. I miss the community feel of being in treatment. I miss the bubble of being consistently around others who understand what it’s like, who laugh at my morbid, ED-related jokes, who can relate to the fears and irrational thoughts. 

Part of me feels guilty that I don’t want to recover because I feel like I’m “supposed to” recover. Like it’s the morally right thing to do, abd therefore I am morally wrong for not doing it. Not even that my actions are wrong, but that I myself am wrong. 

Anyway, I should wrap this up. I’m in the chair at the dentist’s office and I want to publish this before he comes in.