Self-consciousness

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A friend texted me and asked if I wanted to come spend a day or so with her while she house sits later this week. 

I love this friend, but she is also bulimic, except she’s the bulimic I can’t seem to be. She’s tiny. She binges and purges all the time and looks anorexic. This is something I’ve never been able to accomplish. Even when I don’t eat and exercise all day I stay fat. 

The last few weeks since getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I haven’t been purging (until the last couple days) and I ran out of laxatives so I am full of feces. I’ve been sick and experiencing a really bad fibro flare up so I’ve hardly exercised. I’m afraid to weigh myself, but I know I’ve gained a lot. 

I told my friend I was too gargantuan to visi. 

I wish my desire to be with friends weren’t outweighed by my fear of them seeing my expanding body. 

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